Flimsy at Best

Okay. Here it is. All typical-overrated-end-of-the-year-let's-make-new-year-resolutions-blog. I sometimes hate hyphens.
I am terrible at keeping resolutions. My willpower is almost non-existent. I get agitated and antsy quite easily, and tend to remove myself from any uncomfortable situation. If I get flustered, I get grumpy, and then I don't like myself. So I quit and find happier things. Like chocolate.
But this year was a struggle for me. I have always been the "grounded" one, the one who supposedly has all the answers. But I don't. Not for myself at least. I'm still trying to figure things out. And once you get married and have another person to consider while you are "figuring your life out", it becomes a heck of a lot harder.
So, rambling aside, I thought to myself that I should make resolutions this year, and as I continue to journey along this unknown path, I might find my willpower a lot stronger as I clutch to normalcy for dear life.

Let's start with the most stereotypical/obvious choice here.

• Stop being a fatty fatso.
• It is absolutely true what they say about gaining weight after you get married. Because I didn't have to worry about fitting into my dress/bikini, I welcomed those cheeseburgers with an open mouth. Let me tell you something - they were delicious. Nothing like guilt-free eating for awhile. Until I started noticing that my once loose jeans were carving their brand into my waist, and my arms still continued to jiggle even after I had stopped waving goodbye. My face swelled up like a chipmunk's, and even my boots hugged onto my calves a little tighter. I feel heavy and have dreams of weighing 300 pounds. I am pretty uncomfortable in my own skin.
• My husband was cleared from his doctors that he can begin working out again. We have a workout/diet routine we both are going to get into, which I'm excited about because it is very difficult to change your daily habits on your own, while someone else in your home is eating very differently. It will be much easier this way, especially since my husband is the type that will slap crappy food out of my hands and tell me no.
• My goal is to lose a jean size by September and (if possible) lose 20 pounds by then. I believe that's possible.
• Finish my book.
• I do not write often enough. I tend to use my free time watching Netflix or reading. I get annoyed with myself and I feel myself pulling away from my book out of fear. What if I sound stupid? What if they take one look at my manuscript and think I'm absolutely crazy for believing this should be published? What if I'm not a good writer, and I based my entire education on a flimsy dream? What if I actually know nothing about literature and what it takes to write a good novel? Storyline? Plot? Characterization? Exposition? Climax? What are these things? Even so, how do I get what is in my mind out on paper in such a way that people understand my point? Artists express emotion and can make people feel things - I'm terrible at expressing emotion and people never understand what it is I'm trying to say. Fear clouds my determination a lot of the time. I have written about 20 pages, and I have a good outline started. I really just want to finish it - regardless if it will be published or not. To completely finish a book would be a huge stepping stone for me. I have so many unfinished projects. But that's what I tend to do. Start things, get scared, throw them in a drawer somewhere.
• Stop putting so much time and emotion into people who aren't willing to do the same for me.
• Unfortunately, this includes some people who I considered to be some of my best friends. I always tend to put more of myself into relationships than what I get in return, and I used to be okay with that. But I can't do that anymore. I realize now that I am an adult, and my time and emotion need to go to certain things, and I really don't have enough to spare. Plus, it hurts my feelings. I'm tired of broken promises and halfway smiles. If people aren't going to put effort into making the friendship work, then I won't either. I am going to stop making excuses for people and start paying attention to those who are willing to pay attention back. I am done being a convenient friend and someone who will bend over backwards. Sorry. I'm not in high school anymore.
• Learn how to play at least ONE song on guitar.
• I don't have a lot of explanation for this one. I've had my guitar since I was 14 and I have never learned how to play. I keep saying I want to learn, and I keep pulling it out and playing G and D7 over and over, but I never learn anything. We'll see.
• Read at least 20 books.
• Gots to keep up my knowledge base. I keep buying books but I don't read enough. Plus, reading fuels my desire to write, and also tends to give me good ideas.
• Spend more time with my grandparents.
• Tonight was my grandparents 50th anniversary. I realize that life is short, and I want to make sure I spend enough time with them in my busy life. They mean a lot to me, and I'm very close with them, and I really just need to see them more.
• Ok. One more that I can think of right now.  - Do at least one spontaneous thing without thinking of the consequences.
• I think way too much. I need to experience life a little. As sad as this is, I was watching Sex and the City this morning and realized that Carrie was able to write so much mostly because she lived an exciting life and took risks and chances and didn't care. That was the worst sentence ever. But honestly, I live a pretty safe and boring life. I need something to write about. I need to live a more spontaneous life.

That's all I can think of right now. Let's see if I get through the first week of 2013 without breaking any of these. Yeah. We'll see.

Media Update

• Work has been, um, well, work. I find myself coming home and changing into my pajamas right away, eating dinner, and settling in for the night. I've been watching a lot of television.
• In all fairness, I always watch a lot of television. I never believed that old saying, "television will rot your brain!" ("you'll put your eye out, kid!") Mostly because I find myself learning a heck of a lot more about the world we live in through the television shows I watch. I try to watch television shows with plot and character development and a decent story arc (this is where Glee goes down the shitter...)
• Also, a lot of this has to do with the fact that one of my big big big dreams in life is to write for a television show. We'll see.
• I can't be completely snobbish and say I don't watch any reality television shows. I watch Xfactor and The Voice, So You Think You Can Dance, and American Idol. Sometimes, towards the middle of each of these shows, I lose interest though. At one point this fall I think I had 11 "The Voice" tapings to watch at once on my DVR. And, I skip through about 50% (mostly when the hosts are talking - Carson Daley is annoying and A.C. Slater is a hater).
•  On the Xfactor, the only two judges I ever attempt to listen to are Demi and Simon. Britney (God love her - I still do) always has a stank face on, and her speaking voice sounds like she's still 12, so I have to skip through her most of the time. Plus, all she ever says is, "you're amazing, I'm so proud of you, you're a star" to her own contestants, and then sometimes she's not so nice to the others. L.A. on the other hand, he sounds much too diva-ish for my taste, even compared to Britney. I know Randy is a goofball and writes down way too many catch phrases for his dawg dictionizzle, he at least seems like he'd be cool eating a cheeseburger and hanging out. L.A. seems like he'd rather get a pedicure and eat seaweed than do anything like that. Plus, throwing a temper tantrum that he had to mentor the 25+ really turned me off of him. Let's be real, L.A., I didn't know who you were before this show. 
• (If you watch Xfactor and have not seen the results of the semi-finals, I'm giving you fair warning that this is a spoiler.) - Carly Rose, Tate Stevens, and Fifth Harmony remain in the competition. Um, okay, I guess that works. I think Emblem 3 could have replaced either Fifth Harmony or Carly Rose. I think Carly Rose has an incredible voice, especially for a thirteen-year-old. But Britney needs to give her a little more range, and stop with the over-belting. She sang "Imagine" and completely botched it in my opinion, and that kind of made me queasy on her. Not everything needs to be a huge belty note. Imagine is more about the feeling and meaning behind those words, and (I sound really judgmental when I say this) I don't believe a thirteen-year-old grasps that emotion yet. Heck, I don't even know if I do. Instead of conveying emotion, she seemed sassy and ready to hit the high wail, when that's not what that song is intended for. People booed Simon for his critique, but I agreed with him 100%. She probably could've gone home and I would've been sad, but okay with it. Fifth Harmony is good, each girl has a great voice on their own. I am a girl band geek, love me some Spice Girls and Dream. (Don't put me down for Pussycat Dolls, though.) But they really don't do enough harmony for my liking. And a lot of it, I'm not even sure if it is them or the background vocals. I think they did good with the Ellie Goulding song, I think the added production really helped make it interesting so they aren't just standing around, taking turns singing. I'm kinda like "eh" with them. But Tate Stevens...now, I think he needs to win. He's consistent, he has a very pure tone, he puts on a good show....etc, etc. He seems like the one who will actually be a star on his own, without the help of the Xfactor stage.
• I won't even get started on The Voice because I'm behind on it. Except I really like Terry McDermott and oh crap. Blake's girl. It's probably not good that I forgot her name. But I'm behind on it because I'm having a hard time caring. I usually love to tune in to listen to Adam and Blake go back and forth, but there hasn't been a lot of that lately.
• I've also finished Charmed and caught up to the current season of Merlin (I guess I'll have to wait for season 5 to come on Netflix). Fantasy/Sci-Fi has been my go-to television show for awhile now. I switched over to Dawson's Creek because that's my childhood (along with Boy Meets World, which I now have all the seasons on DVD, jelly?)
• As a writer, I hear the wit and cleverness that spew out of Joey's mouth. I appreciate it. I find Dawson to be incredibly naive/hard to relate to (I guess that's not completely fair, as I am not a fifteen/sixteen-year-old male) But his demeanor annoys me. He doesn't seem to have much depth. I can see where Joey's character has the potential to go, as well as Pacey, and if I care to be lenient, Jen. But Dawson seems so two-sided. His mother cheated on his father, and they start having issues at home, which apparently is not a normal thing in his life, and he takes a whopping 5 minutes out of his time to give two shits. He is too worried about his fantasy love life with Jen, who obviously is only interested in the idea of him, rather than the real life him (which I understand. Needy.) So I can see where this living-in-a-fantasy-world is a critical character flaw for Dawson, and mostly I see this because every other character reminds him of it every episode I have seen thus far. The creators feel the need to talk down to the audience, as if we couldn't understand that Dawson's schizophrenia is a real issue, and eventually he's going to have to be pulled out into the real world. We don't need every other argument to be about his inability to process real human emotions, and his constant desire to fall deeper into his movies and imagination to cover his lack of experience in dealing with anything other than Spielberg flicks. We get it. We've heard Joey explain it in a two-minute long speech without taking a break several times.
• In addition to that, I'm really not sure how I feel about the fact that these freshmen in high school are as smart and clever as they are in this show. I don't know about you, but when I was a freshman, I didn't speak the way these "kids" speak. It's not like I had a specific lingo, but I didn't paraphrase (or quote in any exact way) classic literature or old movies to prove a point. Sure, I love(d) old movies, and watched them sometimes. I read classic literature (as I got older. I couldn't barely grasp Pride and Prejudice when I was a junior in high school, let alone a freshman). Maybe it's because they're from the east coast, and the salty air seeps into their brains at night and makes them a hell of a lot smarter than corn brains here in the Midwest. Or (or!) maybe it's because they didn't know what Jersey Shore was, or a Snooki.
• Basically, I'm just unsure of whether or not I would use my love of poetry and words in a way that sounds collegiate or overwhelmingly prose(y) if I were to write for a television show about sex-crazed teenagers. I wouldn't say things like "dope" or "rad" either, but shouldn't there be a comfortable middle? I don't envy Dawson Creek characters for the lives they lead, or the kisses they kiss, or anything like that. I just envy their obvious intelligence as freshmen in high school. Let me pull Wuthering Heights out of my ass and see if I can sound half as clever now, as a college graduate.
• Why is this post so ridiculously long.
• This shows my priorities.
• I can't write about anything in particular/I can't write in my own book, but I can write an extremely long blog post about television shows.
• I have to go to bed soon, to wake up, to go back to work.
• I was just at work. Seriously. When does life begin?
• (insert clever prose(y) answer from Joey about life in one big breath).

End of the world

Honestly, I gotta put it out there. I'm a Christian and I have faith in Christ, and I have faith that God has a plan for this messed up world. I just don't know what it is.

It's so weird, because last night I had a dream. Well, a nightmare, really. Today is my dad's birthday, and we have had plans to go see The Hobbit in theaters for awhile to celebrate. Last night I had a nightmare that our packed theater was the target of a shooting. I somehow made it out okay, but I lost my family. It was one of the scariest dreams I've ever had. I never would have had a dream like that if it weren't for the Colorado Batman massacre. But as we walked into the theater tonight, my anxiety was up just a little bit.

When I heard about the Connecticut elementary school shooting this afternoon, I was deeply saddened, angered, and disgusted. No matter what psychologists say, no matter how many times they argue "insanity", I don't buy it. Of course, these men (or man, I've heard both) are insane. But there was obvious planning involved. The actual thought of "I'm going to bring a gun into an elementary school and shoot some little kids actually passed through the mind of a person. Someone who had a childhood, who had a chance to have their first school dance, first kiss, first prom, graduate high school. They took those chances, those possibilities away. They played God. Do you know what happens when someone tries to play God? They end up the devil.

I remember in elementary school when we had drills for this kind of thing. But I never in a million years would have dreamed that it could have happened at my school. School is supposed to be safe. Safe for the adults, too. Those adults made a life choice to help, guide, and teach children. They were taken from this Earth trying to protect those children. And now, that safety net is gone. Not only did those evil men take away innocent lives, they took away innocence. I pray to God that the children who were able to make it away from the school will not feel unsafe every day for the rest of their lives. They have had to grow up too quickly. They have seen what our world, our country, has become. Too soon.

I don't understand why this year has been a hot spot for mass shootings. I don't know if people are going off of their rockers because they believe this is the end of the world. But my belief is that we are not supposed to know when that time comes. It happens in a blink of an eye.

But if this is how the world is going to be; maybe it's time for a new one.

I do not know what God's plan is, and why this has happened today. But I do believe that there is good out there in this world. It is time for good to step up, and make itself known again. It is time to bring back faith, hope, love, acceptance, tolerance, and peace back into this world. Especially back into schools, where minds are growing and adapting. It's time that we listen more, and speak less. But when we do speak, we speak up for what is right.

Everything I am saying sounds so cliche. But I can't help it. I can't be clever tonight.

God bless Newtown, Connecticut and those who lost loved ones, and those who have to find ways to move forward. You are not alone.

Making Up For Lost Time

• I tried to start writing a blog about Netflix but I got distracted by Netflix.
• Is that considered Netflix meta-thinking?
• It is Wednesday and I'm only half considering jumping off a cliff because the week is half over.
• I'm jealous of people born in the UK because I wish I had a British accent. I wonder if it is easier for someone with a Scottish or Irish accent to portray an English accent in comparison to an American trying to do so. I'm also guessing there is a standardized British accent that is desirable for television, just as there is a standardized American accent that is desirable for television (as I learned in my Linguistics class, that accent is the Midwestern accent. I guess I have something going for me.)
• I'm pretty much guessing this because British accents sound so polished and intelligent on these BBC shows, but the accent of Lauren Cooper is pretty much all I heard while I lived in Grantham.
• P.S., I changed the language on my iphone to British English. It kept changing "realize" to "realise" and I loved it, but I had to change it when I texted it because that's not how we spell it in 'Murica.
• My bullet points are disorganized, my apologies.
• Work is making me want to slam my head against my desk. It is incredibly stressful this week. I'm ready for Friday, as it is a half day and we get our Christmas bonus. I'm not getting my hopes up though, I've been disappointed before.
• This is the last week hubby and I are eating whatever we want. He finds out tomorrow, hopefully, if he has this muscle disorder. If not, we are going to start going back to the gym and eating well. My goal is to lose 20 pounds and go down a jean size. His goal is to lose 50-60 pounds and bulk back up, I'm guessing. I'm pretty frumpy lately; I'm a stress eater.
• I want to be in good shape when we go to London so I like the pictures we take. I want to take a lot more pictures this time around, I don't think I took enough last time.
• I don't understand why Lancelot died in Merlin when he's supposed to be a Knight of the Round Table. (Is that supposed to be capitalized because it comes from legend? English major fail.)
• Every article I have read lately about "what to do with an English major" has made me want to die. "Become a copy writer!" "Work for businesses!" "Write medical articles!" blah! No! 
• I'm sleepy. Alas, alack, alas, away to sleep I go (said in British accent). And when I say, to sleep, I mean, I need to finish a few more episodes of Merlin and then pass out after eleven o'clock at night and then hate my life tomorrow morning at work.
• um ok, bye then.

Smeh

• I'm really sick of myself, to tell you the truth. How many times do I need to say, "Gosh, it's been a long time since I have written in my blog" before I make this a real day-to-day habit? Ugh, I am ridiculous.
• I'm also sick of myself because all I want to do with my life is write, and I don't even do it that often. I'm angry because I keep telling myself that this is my dream! This is all I have ever wanted to do! blah blah American Idol bullshit! But really, all I do is worry that I suck and I'm just completely full of myself. 
• Honestly, so many people are talented, and so many people wish they were. I don't know where I belong, if this is worth it. I have been reading articles about MFA programs and what it takes to be a writer, and I'm worried that I'm just not cut out for this. I feel cheap because I just want someone to tell me that I am a good writer and I should just keep working and moving forward. But I should know these things about myself, right? I shouldn't need affirmation. Writing is a solitary experiment, something that can only come out of my brain. 
• I just feel like I need a Simon Cowell of writing to tell me whether or not I should quit my day job.
• I can't quit my day job, I have bills to pay. 
• Sometimes, especially this week because Brooke is gone and the whole office has gone to hell, I wish I could quit my day job and just work from home.
• Sometimes, I wish I was intelligent enough to just write pieces for magazines or newspapers, and people would read them and beg for more.
• Sometimes, I'm actually jealous of "Ask Phoebe" from Charmed because she was just handed that job, for crying out loud! I can't find a writing job to save my life! I'm working as a legal secretary and I've probably gained 10 pounds because of the stress!
• I can't even do what I want to do because what I want to do is not offered in central Indiana!
• Why did God give me these dreams and aspirations, and why did He put all these words and ideas into my head if not to set them free?! 
• This whole blogging thing was supposed to be cathartic but now all I am is pissed.
• Wine, wine, wine. 

Unsuccessful

Let me tell you about my life this summer.

• I went to school every day but I could probably only tell you little bits of information that I learned because I was graduating and didn't care at all about my life for those 5 weeks.
• I have gained too much weight because I don't know what is happening in my life.
• I got a new job which I adore but I don't know what will happen down the road because I don't know what is happening with my life.
• D.J. has all these crazy random sicknesses that ends up putting him in the hospital and having to go to IU doctors in Indianapolis, and all I can think about is what is this going to mean in our lives and I really don't know what is happening with my life.
• We are in the process of moving out on our own and I have all these goals of keeping our place clean and working out and cooking healthy meals but who knows what will happen, we will probably order pizza and I will watch television until midnight and wonder if this is what adulthood is like because I don't know what's happening with my life.
• My cat likes to jump up on the desk and sit right in front of my computer screen, possibly an attention seeking tactic that he learned watching D.J. play call of duty.
• All I want to do is write but I realize that I kind of suck at it and that is what I'm basing my future on and this really makes me feel like I don't know what's happening with my life.
• I waited most of my life to get to this point, I've graduated college and am now an adult with a real job, I've been married for almost a year, and I'm still waiting for my life to start.
• Kim Kardashian is dating Kanye West and he's gonna let her finish but really, all the awards should go to Kris Jenner.
• I feel like a blimp all the time. What has happened to me.
• Sometimes people forget about me, and sometimes that's okay because they should, so I can watch Netflix and go to bed early.
• Sometimes it's not okay because it happens all the time and honestly, I'm wondering if I should just invest in an invisibility cloak. James?
• I'm trying to get through "American Gods" by Neil Gaiman and I'm really struggling.
• I bought three books on Amazon and I chose them due to the fact that they are either classics or literary fiction and my snobbery has gotten out of control.
• I miss having a real relationship with one of my family members, who has disappeared.
• I'm truly scared of parallel parking.
• I wonder if I just signed myself up for a life of mediocrity. 

Strange?

Today, I wondered if I was strange.
Strange in a peculiar way.
Mostly because I am starting to notice the argument between "you eat everything on your plate" or "stop eating when you're full" coming into my life a lot more often.
Apparently, I eat like a bird, even though I don't look like it.
Mostly it's because I'm never hungry, not really.
Sometimes I just eat because I'm bored and watching tv. Which is bad for you.
I was raised to stop eating when I became full. My husband was raised to eat everything on his plate.
I get the whole "there-are-starving-children-in-Africa-be-grateful-for-the-food-that-is-provided-for-you" bit. But I'm not about to damage my body because I feel guilty that there are starving children in Africa.
That's why I donate to organizations who support those causes.
But I just don't really see how me not eating everything on my plate is going to help those hungry kids. I can't mail the excess food to them. The food prepared for me was prepared for me. I paid for it.
Shouldn't I have the right to put what I want in my body?
True, I leave a lot of food on my plate.
I don't know.
Am I strange?

In other news, I got a job. I start next week. I'M ALL GROWN UP.

Not really. I still feel like I'm 12 most days.
I need inspiration for topics to write about. My life is not that interesting. I'm running out of ideas. All my creativity goes to writing poetry or whatever.

or whatever.

Circled Around

A lot has been going on, surprisingly. For a long time, my life was a static mess and I didn't appreciate it. But things are starting to look brighter. To do a quick catch up, maybe I should do a list. And in fact, writing out a list is a form that I have been using for my Creative Writing class. Points for me.

1. I ended last semester with pretty good grades. All A's, one B, and a C in my Geography class. I took that happily, since he was a terrible professor and I was pretty sure I was going to end up with a "YOU SUCK, F FOR YOU" on my transcript. C is good. I can accept that.
2. I'm almost done with college. I have three days left. I took a Creative Writing course and a walking class, both incredibly easy and laid back. I've done a lot of reading and writing in strange forms and a lot of walking. Both have mostly positive effects on my life, so I can't complain.
3. I've had two (TWO) job interviews. I'm fairly certain I got the job at one place, so I'm pretty happy about that. It's at a law firm, which isn't publishing but hey, it's a job, and it will give D.J. and I the chance to find a place of our own.
4. D.J. has decided to go to school for accounting, so we are in the process of getting him signed up for classes.

For such a long time, my life looked like it was tied to a cinder block and falling to the bottom of the bottomless ocean. I didn't feel like it was going anywhere. While I'm still not certain where I'm headed in life, at least it's inching forward. It feels good to have somewhat of a plan. Or an idea about a plan.

I've been writing a lot more, which is nice. And reading a lot more, which is also nice.

GOD HAS A PLAN EVEN WHEN I DON'T.

WHAT'S UP.

When do you deserve to cry?

Let me tell you something about myself.

I don't cry that often. I don't cry that often on purpose. When I do cry, I feel petty and dramatic, embarrassed, maybe even ashamed. I hate crying, and I do everything I can to not cry.

I don't know if it is because I wasted a huge chunk of my life crying over every little thing, or if it is because I'm so afraid to show genuine emotion because most of the time, when I do, I see it in people's faces or hear it in their voices that I'm "overreacting".

Of course, I could be transferring my fears onto their faces and into their voices.

And I don't know why, but because of my usual lack of tears, whenever I do cry, I get really really annoyed when someone says, "Stop crying, it's going to be fine."

Of course, you jerk, I know it's going to be fine.

I know this isn't the end of the world.

I know I will get over this and move on, and I probably won't even remember this tomorrow.

But for the love of all things happy and shiny, LET ME CRY.

Am I not allowed to show any type of emotion?

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't. I should be strong and sure of myself.

But for the past few weeks, maybe months, I haven't felt strong or sure of myself.

I'm scared to death of life and not knowing what is going to happen to me.

I'm a stupid English major for crying out loud.

I keep kicking myself for quitting my education major, even though I didn't quite fit.

I love my classes. I love it that I feel like I'm actually good at them. (Minus Geography, but come on. That's not my area.)

But I'm scared to death that I just signed my own poverty/life of constant sorrow death warrant.

The voices in my head constantly say things like:

"You want to be a writer? Well, you're gonna have to live in your car and eat the crusty stuff in between the seats before you get to do that."

"You want to be a writer? Well, you're gonna have to sell your first born child to the IRS and live under the bridge along with Satchmo and Curly before you get to do that."

"You want to be a writer? Well, you're gonna have to gnaw your foot off and sell it on Ebay for a billion dollars before you get to do that."

I didn't say these voices were normal.

So, of course I'm super sensitive about feeling worthless and/or useless. I feel like I'm not doing anything, like I'm a terrible wife and a lazy person who just takes the easy way out. I feel terrible about myself most of the time. And I usually don't let it get to me.

But it did today.

And I cried.

And I felt like I didn't deserve to cry. That I shouldn't be crying.

D.J. told me I needed to "go with the flow". I said "that's all I have been doing for the past 9 months since I lost my job." Then he said, "It's gonna be alright, you'll be fine."

And that's when I stopped crying.

Because I don't deserve to cry.

Green Tea

Dad said it has been awhile since I've posted. I was doing well for awhile. I'm dealing with a sore hand. Poor excuse.

For some reason, I don't feel like this post is going to be incredibly chipper. Part of it could be I just watched Precious for the first time. If any movie could humble you into complete silence and remind you how lucky you are, it's Precious.


The thing is, I get these one-liners that jump out and stick themselves into the walls of my brain. Most of the time they are statements, plain and simple, that could be turned into something more. Usually a poem or maybe a rambling blog post. But they are always one simple sentence that means something to me. Lately, they haven't been coming around. A lot of uncertainty and doubt has filled their usual spots instead.

I'm worried.
I can't imagine being good at much.
That someone would feel like I would be a perfect fit.
Just what they are looking for.
I've never been a stand-out,
the girl with something like potential.
I figure if I did, someone would've found it by now.
Dad says creativity can't be taught.
But in this day and age,
where everyone is special and nobody is perfect,
creativity is part of everybody's resume.
I'm not sure that I have much more to my name.
I still feel like a 12-year-old who has so much to learn,
but is expected to understand it like someone who has been there before.
If I could just write, I would.
Honestly, I would.
I would sit at a desk that sits underneath a window so the sunlight would pour in,
and I would drink green tea and listen to Regina Spektor,
and write down pages and pages of interesting and inspiring words,
spoken by multi-dimensional characters who have something to lose,
and who everyone can somehow relate to in their own specific ways.
I would emulate Sylvia Plath and be the next female American novelist,
maybe win a few Pulitzers.
I would.
But my dream belongs to millions, and millions achieve it.
I am nothing special, if not bland in the middle, right after you take a bite, expecting something sweet.

If I could have anything in the world; be anyone in the world; do anything.
I would live in a nice flat in London, my husband would be there with me of course, (this would mean he would have to like traveling, even a little bit), and I would get up in the mornings, make a small breakfast, write a few chapters, or a few poems, stroll down and buy a scarf at Camden Market, maybe sit in a coffee shop in Picadilly and people-watch while drinking more green tea, go back home and spend time with my husband before returning to my work. I would write books about life, about things that matter, about people who live their lives. Maybe their lives aren't incredibly significant. Why does every story have to have this tremendous plot twist, or a character who is some type of hero? What happens to people who just live normal lives? Aren't they part of this world, too?

It's incredibly difficult to be someone who is always restless.
Don't get me wrong, I am happy in life. I'm a firm believer in making your life matter and being happy on purpose. But I have tasted so many wonderful things in my life, I have seen so many rolling hills and interesting people, it is so hard to push pause.

I haven't allowed myself to believe that I will never travel to Europe again. It is probably the truth, as it is, to a lot of people and most likely myself included, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. But I think I dropped a few chunks of my soul over there. Do you know what it is like to miss parts of your soul? It's almost like you are never put together properly. Parts of you are smelling the English rain or eating crepes at the street vendor across from that small park that sits next to Notre Dame. You sit in your small town, in your car and you get these whiffs, you get this taste in your mouth, and you are transported back. It makes you ache.

But it is hard to feel like I will be much more than this. I write silly nonsense and dream doodles, I don't write things that are serious or business-like. Not much else can fit in my head.

This post has made me sad.

Opinionated

I think in addition to my bullet point posts, every so often I'm going to take a certain topic, or person, and write about my opinion of said topic or person.
And because the Oscars are coming up this weekend, I think I'll go ahead and begin with the lovely Billy Crystal.

For the love of all things Crystal, I have to say, I absolutely adore Billy Crystal. I think he is timeless. He is hysterical. He just slides into whatever character suit he has to, and you still see a button or two of Billy, but really, he wears his suits so well.
Of course, the first movie I ever saw Billy Crystal in was The Princess Bride, 1987 which has been my favorite movie since I could open my sweet little baby eyes, so that's a plus for Billy. Miracle Max is one of the best characters from any movie. "Sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the world! Except for a nice MLT - mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe. They're so perky, I love that."
The way he speaks with such a lazy tongue, it's so pleasing for some reason.
And of course, another absolute favorite of mine When Harry Met Sally. 1989. "Waiter, there's too much pepper in my paprikash. But I would be proud to partake of your pecan pie." Of course, both of these movies are the amazing works of Rob Reiner, which helps. But Billy is wonderful and endearing. And he makes me laugh without resorting to stupid tricks or voices, like popular comedians today (Will Ferrell), (even though I like Will Ferrell) (about 90% of the time), (maybe 85%).
Also, he has been married to his wife (FIRST wife) since 1970.
I JUST LOVE BILLY CRYSTAL.
I think if I had to put him in the order of random things that I enjoy, it would be:
1. The Geico Pig
2. Billy Crystal
3. Pita chips.

I'm so glad he's hosting the Oscars this weekend. I might even watch them. I haven't really watched award shows in the past, but I feel like I should keep updated on this stuff, and maybe write about it? Maybe I'll live blog it.

Grammar Nazi

Oh my God.

So, according to my linguistics grade, my deep understanding of grammar is not that great. I understand the basics and how to write well enough to produce an A+ paper for English class. But with the rise of social media and text language, I'm learning how to tolerate bad spelling and grammar usage.

BUT COME ON
Some stuff I get. Changing "love" to "luv" or whatever. Shortening words when you text or chat. The "LOL" and "BTW" stuff. I get that.

But common, everyday words that you just screw up because you honestly don't know any better? It's starting to worry me, America. It's starting to make me think that in fifteen years, our books will look like this:

And then i was with a women whose not lyk special or anythin shes jus lyk this girll omg lyk this girll whose gonna come wit me to the show or w/e. yea i knoooooooooo


This is how our children will learn how to read.

I'm going to start making lists of words that SHOULD NOT be part of chat or text language that people screw up daily.
I was just on Facebook and someone said "I'm in Muncie. WHOSE HERE?"
THAT'S INCORRECT.
YOU ARE ACTUALLY LOOKING FOR WHO'S? AS IN WHO IS HERE? THE CONJUNCTION FORM, PUTTING TWO SEPARATE WORDS INTO ONE WORD, NOT WHOSE, WHO'S. WHOSE would identify the ownership of "here". Whose HERE IS THIS? IS THIS SOMEONE'S HERE?

And of course, people using women instead of woman. I see this a lot. "She's such a nice women."
So this person is, in fact, plural? I understand how someone can have a lot of sides to them, but I don't think that makes them more than ONE PERSON.
IT'S WOMAN. She's a nice WOMAN.

I could go on another rant of "their, there and they're" but I won't, because everyone else has beat me to it. You'd think that after so many people have taken that argument and screamed it out for the world to see, the world would SEE IT and LEARN IT.

And the "to" and "too" argument.

I just.

I just want America to not...

I thought writing in a blog was supposed to make you feel better?

As You Get Older

I'm almost 22-years-old, and as I am going forward in my 20's, I am realizing some pretty harsh truths. Let's make this a bullet point post, shall we?

As you get older:

• You have GOT to moisturize. And wash your face. I've always had great skin, and I could never use face wash because it would make me break out. I just took off my make up every night before bed and that was it. Now, I have to actually have a regiment of taking off my make-up, washing my face, using night cream, and moisturizing before bed. And I moisturize in the morning before I put my makeup on too. Otherwise, I actually get acne. Who the HECK goes through adolescence with barely getting acne, and then gets it when they get into their 20's? How is that FAIR? But seriously, washing your face and moisturizing = a must.
• Plus, when I'm 60, I'll look like I'm 30.
• You cannot eat a cheeseburger and feel well afterwards. You will feel slightly queasy, most likely fairly bloated, and you will avoid the scale for a good solid week. You will hate yourself and swear that you will never touch a cheeseburger again. And then when an informercial for P90X comes on, you'll grab that cheeseburger and chocolate shake and cry to yourself.
• You become less tolerant of ignorant sons-of-bitches. And of dramatic girls. In high school, and probably early college, you tolerated these people because you had to get through school without being that creepy kid that talks to no one, and people are only nice to you because they're hoping you spare their lives when you inevitably blow up the school. You have to be liked, no matter what. But once you start getting older, the tolerance level and the desire to be liked by everyone blows up in your face. You cannot stand people who do nothing but talk about everyone else and their problems, and you cannot stand people who refuse to be educated and/or knowledgable of the world and the people in it. 
• This can cost you a lot of friendships. But honestly, that friend is the person you sit there and mock the entire time, right? So it's not really a deep, meaningful relationship, is it? 
• You look back on your childhood cartoons/tv shows/movies with a deep profound respect and appreciation, because now it seems like all there is - is crap. But really, some of the stuff you watched as a kid is crap too, but it's YOUR crap, and that's all that matters. 
• You don't rewatch a lot of it because you don't want to ruin the amazingness that is preserved in your memory. Because rewatching it can damage it, once you realize how terrible it is. Like Bambi. That movie sucks. But it's sitting on my shelf, and emits this Disney-tinted glow and a tiny whisper that says, "I am your childhood. Adore me. In secret." (But I don't. Bambi sucks.)
• Of course, there are exceptions to this. Rewatch the classics that will never suck. Beauty and the Beast, Lion King, Aladdin...etc.)
• Your dreams have conditions, whether you like it or not. Unless you have a nice trust fund in your back pocket, you might not achieve your dream right away. It will take a lot of work. And coming out of the generation of entitlement, this will be difficult. 
• It will also be difficult when you hear that you are not capable of achieving your dream. Or it is impossible. Or you will not make it. While we come from the generation of entitlement, we also come from the generation that does not take "no" for an answer. We are dreamers. We make things happen. As you get older, you will realize that not everything will be laid down for you on any type of serving platter. You will have to work hard at it, and probably start out doing some stuff you don't want to do. But if it is still something you want as you grow, it is worth the chase and skinned knees, bruises, etc it will take to get there.
• Your parents are a lot more than just your parents. They are people, actually. They were just like you when they were your age. Now that you aren't slamming your door after hearing that you are grounded for a month for taking the car without asking, you will finally be able to listen to what they have to say. You might not always agree with it, but you might be able to actually understand it and appreciate it. You will see them as two people who had parents too, who grew up, fell in love, got married, got jobs that may or may not have been their dreams, had children, and wanted to instill their ideas, foundations, hopes, beliefs, into people they love. Now that you are growing older, they still live on whether you are still bunkered down in their garage or not. They still have ideas, foundations, hopes, beliefs to work on in their own lives.
• Metabolism will break up with you. This also deals with the cheeseburger thing I talked about earlier, but seriously, metabolism will dump you and dump you hard. It will be absolutely heartbreaking. It will take you awhile to get over metabolism, find a gym and move on. Some people never move on. But for the love of your body and the cute clothes that are just waiting for you, please, move on.

There are probably a lot more I could list, but these are the main ones that have been on my mind. I'll be 22 in less than two months, and I feel like I was just sixteen a few days ago. It's crazy how much your life can change in just a few years time. And 22 isn't that old at all. In fact, it's still really young. But to quote the good old Ferris, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it."

Amen, Matthew Broderick. Amen.

Letting It All Go

I knew, deep down, that switching over to an English major was risky. Teaching was a direct path. Doing what I really want to do is going to take a lot of faith. Luckily, when I have moments of struggle and doubt, I have people who care about me and know me well enough to know how to put me back on the right track.


I have no idea where my life is heading right now. Things are so up in the air. We are praying that D.J. gets this job with Duke, because that will set us up for some security. If he doesn't, we will have to rethink a lot of things. I don't want to put all of my eggs in one basket, but right now, I don't know what else to do. 


I want to be a writer. I don't think I've said this enough, really. It's the only thing I'm truly good at, well - something like that. I don't want to say I'm good at it and in all reality I am terrible. But it has been the constant in my life since I was young, and I have to believe that this is what I'm meant to do. I'm not trying to write anything special right now - this is just a short emotional piece for me.


I just don't know what is going to happen. I have to let it all go. I have to give God the controls. He's obviously leading me down a path, I just have to stop struggling so I can see what's out in front of me. He led me from Education to English Studies. It had to be for a reason.


It's so hard to let go.


It's so hard to lose control.

Random Thoughts Are Sexy

I really like the whole bullet point thing. It worked out well in previous entries that has the same...idea. 
Here are some random thoughts circulating the main frame of my mind. I imagine there are little people sitting up there, like the Teselecta (nerd points) and they are having little mini conversations, and that's why these things are exploding from my head.

• My cat sits and stares at the wall a lot. I'm contemplating on whether or not he's plotting my demise, or if he's interested in the texture of our walls.
• I probably spend too much time watching cat videos on Youtube.
• According to Ellen DeGeneres, this is acceptable.
• I just finished watching the miniseries "The Kennedys." While I've never been all that educated on the Kennedy era, and I'm not completely sure this miniseries is all too historically accurate, I was enthralled. It was so good. And heartbreaking. So much death and love in one family. (sob)
• I've been eating a lot of cheese lately, even though I'm fairly certain that I'm somewhat lactose intolerant. (In addition to like, 4 other stomach disorders.)
• My husband can never pick out a restaurant because he's all worried that I can't eat anything. You'd think with my health issues I'd be skinny. But the truth is, I like food too much, I grin through the pain.
• I hate talking on the phone. I'd rather send a few texts, get the basics out of the way. Idle chit chat is terrible at parties, and it's terrible when I'm sitting on my couch trying to watch Ellen.
• Netflix is worse than Facebook when it comes to distracting me from my homework. They should really stop developing awesome things, the world is going to get dumber because they aren't going to study. They're going to watch "The Wonder Years" instead.
• How am I not famous yet? I'm awesome.
• Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got. I'm still, I'm STILL, Jenny from the block.
• If I could make a living off of writing stuff like this - I would be pleased as punch. SOMEONE HIRE ME.
• What does pleased as punch even mean? How is punch pleased? 
• I wish I lived in the early 60s. The fashion was just so much better. And the music.
• In my poetry class, for the first week or so, we opened up each class with a discussion about Justin Bieber. For those who know me, I'm not a Biebs fan. But I recognize that he has musical talent. Don't EVEN get me started on Miley Cyrus, I'll smack a hoe.
• Miley Cyrus covered a Dylan song. And the world died a little.
• Now I really wish I had a job doing this. I'm sad inside because I don't.

SERIOUSLY.

I'm annoyed.
I'm annoyed that people refuse to be happy.
PEOPLE DOWNRIGHT REFUSE.
It's almost as if they jump from one problem to the next, like a freaking frog jumps to a lily pad.
And they don't solve it and move on.
They talk about it until there's nothing left. They drain every last ounce of moisture out of the problem until it dries up and rolls away like a tumbleweed.
They take NO steps to make it better. They do not want to listen to solutions.
They want to TALK about it.
And when there's nothing left to talk about, OH MY GOD, SOMETHING ELSE HAPPENS.
And the cycle continues.


LIFE IS SHORT.
In the whole grand scheme of things, (of course there are genuine exceptions), YOU WILL BE FINE.
You will be JUST FINE.
In fact, you will probably learn from these experiences and grow to be a better person. IF YOU ARE SMART.
If you seriously waste every single day being SAD, MAD, DEPRESSED, over things either you cannot control or you do nothing to change, then you DO NOT have the right to say, "My life sucks". YOU ARE NOT LIVING YOUR LIFE.
You are coasting by on raw emotion that will get you nowhere.
And you will piss a lot of people off.

God did not give you this beautiful gift of life so you can PISS all over it with your COMPLAINTS.

And sure, I complain sometimes. I get sad.
But BY GOD do I get over it and get over it fast. Because I refuse to live my life in the pit of despair. I choose to live the life that God has given me by being positive, as much as I possibly can, and feel any kind of happiness that's available to me, because I'm already 21-years-old and life is not slowing down.

So today. I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed at the people who cannot SHUT UP and DO something about it, or realize that there's so many reasons to be happy.

DAMN.

Some Things I'm Learning

I think I might bullet point this one.

• Ah, so professional.
• But seriously. Here are some things I have learned recently and/or am currently learning right meow.
• Just because you become a professor does not actually mean you understand what you are teaching. Or you might have a communications roadblock that prohibits you from effectively educating students. Yes, I mean you, Geography someone-so-and-so-I'm-afraid-of-getting-an-F-if-I-name-you.
• Being an English major means you have to read. A LOT. And just because you love to read does not mean this is easy. In fact, most of the time I sit and stare at the books and wish I had the ability to do what that kid did on "The Journey of Allen Strange", you know, where he read a whole book by touching it with his alien hands? Then I watch Ellen DeGeneres.
• Does anyone remember "The Journey of Allen Strange"?
• Wanting to lose weight and ACTUALLY TRYING to lose weight are, in fact, two different things. 
• Enjoying food can be an issue with this.
• Having dreams about your teeth falling out is probably the scariest freaking dream in the entire world.
• People like to complain about everything in their lives because, in all honesty, everything revolves around them. It's normal. Everything revolves around what is going on in your life because it's YOUR life and you have all these feels and stuff, and you can't compartmentalize this stuff.
• This doesn't mean you have to listen to everything everyone says. And it doesn't mean you have to sympathize. Or agree. Sometimes you can tune them out and just nod your head and get the same results. 
• Getting older is scary. People expect you to know what you are doing because you are "educated" and "old enough to know better" and all sorts of stuff. Oh, and I love this one: "You're old enough now to be able to do this on your own." Wtf, lady! (I assume always that statements like these are made by women. Women assume things.)
• When do people get the giant handbook in the mail that explains how to be an adult?
• I CAN ACTUALLY COOK NOW.
• THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I WILL.
• Watching videos of yourself when you were a newborn/toddler makes you feel all weird, like you aren't a real person. It also might have something to do with the wibbly-wobbly-timey-wimey-vortex of time and space.
• There are certain people you will never get along with. As you grow older, you are capable of noticing these people ON THE SPOT. These are people that are usually thrown into the same situations that you are, and you have to see them/hear them/smell them daily. This shows what kind of a person you are. 
• I am not a good person.
• I wear my feelings on my face.
• If I scrunch my eyebrows and shake my head a little, it means you are annoying.
• You might not be annoying, really, but I think you are, and everything revolves around me in my life because that's normal, according to myself.
• Texting and driving is dangerous.
• Unless you are Chuck Norris. THEN YOU DON'T EVEN NEED AUTOCORRECT.
• I don't really understand the Chuck Norris jokes.

It's easy to keep going with bullet points.

I'm Sorry

I hate the words "I'm sorry".
People do things, say things, and think "I'm sorry" should be sufficient. And sometimes, they don't even mask the "I'm not really sorry but I'm going to say it to shut you up, or at least get me off the hook" tone in their voice. So really, what are you supposed to do? Are you just supposed to say "It's fine" because they said "I'm sorry"? Can you continue on with why it really bothered you?
And I absolutely love it when the "I'm sorry" is followed by a "I said I'm sorry, what else do you want me to do?" when you continue to talk about it.
NOTHING. There's nothing you can do. Or, you can shut up and let me yell at you until I feel better, and then maybe your "I'm sorry" will be taken into consideration. If you even mean it.

Not many people apologize to me. (This is where I get all emotional and dramatic, by the way). I've learned to not let people rule my emotions. I've learned to not let people have the power to determine how I feel about myself and situations I find myself in. But it's not always easy. I've had friends do some really crappy things and somehow I still remain strong/positive/forgiving. Or I just move forward with my life without really looking back. So when people do apologize to me, I pay attention. I pay close attention to whether or not they are apologizing because they mean it or because they want me to just move along. I don't move along with a false, phony, stupid fake apology. It's like people who say "I love you" too easy. But I'd rather throw around an "I love you" (unless you are doing so to get into somebody's pants. Then shame on you) than a fake apology. Love is meant to be shared. Given. In excess. Apologizing for hurting someone is not meant to be fake.

I lost my job almost six months ago. It was a crappy job where I worked a lot, took a lot of crap, was under appreciated and underpaid. But I knew what I was doing, and I could do my job well. Of course I wasn't looking into moving up in that particular field, I am still a student and plan on doing something completely different with my life. And sure, I was under a lot of pressure planning my wedding, going to school, and working a lot of hours each week. But I did my job, and I did what was asked of me. But as soon as I came back from my honeymoon, I was fired.
Sure, I was mad/upset/confused for awhile. Hubby wanted me to go on unemployment but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I didn't want to get another job for awhile because I wanted to focus on school. We don't have a lot of bills right now, and I figured going to school was my job right now. I graduate in July and then I will have a career. So I didn't want to find a crappy job that took away time from my studies (which slipped quite a bit due to that job) just to quit after a few months to find a job in my career field. It didn't make sense to me. Plus I work with Mary Kay on the side.
But it's hard emotionally. I've had a job since I was 17. I'm used to working hard. And it does make me feel guilty that my husband is the one who brings in most of our money. It is a sensitive subject for me, and I appreciate him working hard for us.
And now that I'm writing this out, I really don't want to go deep into it. I used to spill everything, but I'm starting to feel better about it and that's the whole point of this thing - to feel better. And if I don't go any further, I will feel like my issues with self-worth about having a job and bringing in my own money will be something I can deal with on my own - and the fear that my husband harbors any kind of resentment towards me not working is hopefully just in my head.

But for anyone reading this, just take some free advice. Words can hurt, and they can stick with you for quite some time. Be careful about what you say, even to someone you love and who loves you in return. Especially to someone you love. And if you are sorry, say it and mean it. And let them get their feelings out, even if it means letting go of your pride for a few minutes. Just because you are sorry doesn't mean they are done feeling the way they feel. And if you're not sorry - don't say it. A fake apology just adds fuel to the fire. And trust me, people can tell when you're not being sincere. A true apology means you will do what you can to fix it, not to make it go away.

People

People are incredibly complex and complicated, no matter what they try to say. Most of the time, they don't even know what they're doing, they just do what makes them feel good, or what feels right to them. And then you sit there, looking what they did/are doing, and you go

WHAT THE HECK?

And they just continue on doing what they're doing, because they obviously see nothing wrong with it. And who knows, there might not really be anything wrong with what they are doing. But you can't UNDERSTAND it, and you can't CHANGE it, and it just royally PISSES YOU OFF.

But what are you supposed to do? It isn't your life, it isn't your decision. You can merely spectate and watch it happen. No matter how hard you try, you will never understand it. Because people are complex and complicated, and you suck at complex and complicated things. You failed complex and complicated things in high school.

They see it as something obvious and simple, but it's NOT. It's absolutely STUPID to you. You don't understand why a person would do something like that. It's OBVIOUSLY going to be STUPID. But they do not see the world like you do. Nobody does. Only you see the world exactly like you do.

So really, all you can do is look at them, watch them, and inside your pretty little head, think "There will come a day when I get to say 'I told you so'. And it shall be glorious."

Who knows? That day might actually come.
Or they might be doing something that turns out to be AWESOME.
Then you will be glad that you bit your tongue, because you might be able to join in on that awesomeness.

But most likely, it will be dumb and you will get to dance around them in a little circle saying "I told you so, you're so dumb." And it will be glorious.

New Year's Eve

Hubby and I went on a date tonight. It consisted of getting ticked off because Applebee's, Chili's and everywhere else on God's green McGalliard road was overflowing with people wanting to eat my food. Instead we went to Rally's and he tried (he was so persistent) to get me to do the McDonald's rap. But I'm a failure and can never remember what comes after we be up in this drive-thru, order for two. And then there's something about Dr. Pepper. Then after Rally's (it was my first time. It wasn't bad, but now my stomach is all "Y U PUT STUFF DOWN IN ME THAT IS PAINFUL? I MAKE YOU HURT NOW"), we went and sat in the movie theater parking lot until it was time to go in. We went and saw "New Years Eve" and of course I loved it. Seeing that many stars in one production, (not counting Valentines Day because it was basically the same thing, different holiday), was delightful for me. I am the type of person who just knows about stars and can remember stuff about them. Hubby got Hilary Swank and Sarah Jessica Parker mixed up, and he didn't know who Matthew Broderick is (I gasped and looked at him with extreme shock. Everyone knows Ferris). 


But this movie gave me this instant dose of optimism. That's what good movies do. They make you feel something. And that's hard for me, I'm a stone hearted bitca. (Anyone? Xander? Anyone? I'm trying hard not to swear as much). I just realized that I am in control over my choices. While I may not be in complete control over what happens to me, I can control how I react to things. I am choosing this year to be optimistic. Lots of big changes are coming my way this year. Graduation. Moving out. Finding a job. (TERRIFIED. OH MY GOD HOW DO YOU BECOME AN ADULT? Does anyone truly become an "adult"? Do you wake up one morning with a mortgage and a baby and you're like, holy craapppp, I'm an adult! I don't think I'll ever be an actual adult. I don't know how to do ANYTHING adult like. And to quote Doctor Who, "“There’s no point being grown-up if you can’t be childish sometimes.”) But no, seriously. I have been thinking for the past few weeks about life, and what to do with it, and how short it is, and all those wonderful, deep thoughts. It's exciting to not know where your life is heading. The stuff everyone talks about, it's still in the future, waiting to happen. That's pretty cool.


I would love to write for a television show, or write a script for a movie, or something like that, and give people the feeling that I get when I watch good television. It's unlike anything else, besides a book. I'll do some of that too.  (Why is this double spaced all of a sudden? Copy and pasting, that's what kills the formatting.)


I'm going to go and do something optimistic now. Like save a kitten from a tree. Every kitten needs to be saved.

It is so funny.

It's so funny. The biggest issues in my life are the people that are in it. My personal life is just fine, really. If I didn't have to be everybody's mother, boy, I'd have a lot of free time. And my life would just be a hell of a lot simpler.
Why does simpler seem like it's not a word?
Hell, it probably isn't. Maybe. I don't know.

I'm choosing to not have any New Years resolutions this year because I never keep them. I'm just going to live my life and make good decisions to better myself without having specific guidelines in mind. That way, I won't feel like a failure if it doesn't happen, and I can continue to try without wallowing in my failureness.

My husband has to get up in 4 hours to go to work and he's still raiding on WOW. I have Torchwood on pause because I can't ever get through a full episode. I don't know. I'm only on season one, so maybe it gets better, I'm TOLD it gets better, but I just can't seem to connect with it. (Gettin' my geek on right now, by the way). Jack is so different in Torchwood than he is in Who. He's so arrogant without the charisma. He doesn't seem to have any boundaries, it's just "I'm the boss, I'll kill whoever". I don't know. The Doctor always gave choices, even the freaking Racnoss when it was going to fill the Earth with scary spider babies - and then he blows them up. Jack just takes his gun and does a quick shoot 'em up. And it's just a lot darker. I don't know. We'll see.

It's also sad that a DW pic on Tumblr made me LAUGH OUT LOUD. Let me see if I can add it.
God, Lady Gaga is a weirdo. I could go on a big rant about her. I like that song though.
I'm going to Cloe's tomorrow to watch some more with her. She's getting into it as well, but I think I still win. I FREAKING want a sonic screwdriver on Amazon so I can take it out and hit the automatic door opener on campus and it looks like I sonic them open. Because "it doesn't kill, it doesn't wound, and it doesn't maim. But I'll tell you what it does do. It is very good at opening doors."
OH. And when we were at her baby appointment, we were listening to the heartbeat, and let me tell you, hearing the heartbeat through the womb sounds like the Tardis firing up. She started BUSTING out laughing while the nurse had that gel on her belly, and she looked at us like "WTF" and all I did was make the motion of the Tardis flying...and she caught on...and then we lost it.
Being Godmommy to her baby means that she will grow up understanding the amazingness of Doctor Who, Harry Potter, classic rock, and old movies.

GEEK. I AM A GEEK.

I was like this with Buffy when I was watching it way back in high school.
Maybe not AS bad, but technology has come quite a long way since 2004.

I think I get obsessed with stuff because it's better than hanging out with some of my real friends.
(INSERT CRYING NOISE HERE). AHH.

Sometimes I wonder how I have any friends.

Copied From My Tumblr

I never write on here anymore, because my heart lies with my tumblr. A big fustercluck of Harry Potter and Doctor Who?! Count me in on THAT action.
But I do think sometimes I should write in here. So I will just copy my latest post from tumblr to get me back in the groove.

I watched “Sylvia” the other day. The movie about Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughes, starring Gwenyth Paltrow and Daniel Craig. Of course it came out in 2003 and I was 13-years-old and had no idea who Sylvia Plath was. My mind has since opened and sucked in powerful worlds of knowledge, and so I latched on to this movie.

Let me tell you, as a writer, it freaking made me want to bawl my eyes out. Partially because I’m scared for my life, as I somewhat understand Plath’s madness, and as I read “The Bell Jar”, it seemed almost like normalcy when Esther descended into madness herself. But the constant word on the tip of your tongue, the constant flickering of imagery and feeling and character inside your brain, this I understand. This, with the undying urge for others to read and understand you, because otherwise you feel so alone, like your thoughts have no place in this world, this I understand. 

Of course I would never feed my children, send them to bed, and then trap myself in the kitchen and suck the gas out of my stove until I died. 

Sometimes it sucks to be a writer. Especially when you are alone. I have people all around me, all day, but they don’t know, truly know, my writing. They don’t know the words that scream in my head. They don’t know that sometimes I’d rather be hanging out with the characters in my head, because at least they get that little corner in my head better than anyone else. Or at least they listen. Sometimes it just really sucks. 

And then there’s Sylvia Plath. She knew it sucked, but there was nothing else on Earth she could do with her life. She was a writer, more than anything else, and that, plus Ted, somewhat, probably, drove her to the stove.

I wonder what my life is going to end up like.

THE ONE THING YOU KNOW FOR SURE THAT YOU HAVE TO DO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES SENSE, THAT'S THE ONE THING THAT HAS THE POWER TO SCARE THE ABSOLUTE SHIT OUT OF YOU.

Honestly, I would love to write for a tv show. Work in Hollywood. Or London. I'd FREAKING DIE to work for BBC. But I think that's kind of impossible, I wonder if they only employ Brits. Does it count that I lived there for a few months?

Probably not.

Wahhhh.

Torchwood is NOT as good.