I don't cry that often. I don't cry that often on purpose. When I do cry, I feel petty and dramatic, embarrassed, maybe even ashamed. I hate crying, and I do everything I can to not cry.
I don't know if it is because I wasted a huge chunk of my life crying over every little thing, or if it is because I'm so afraid to show genuine emotion because most of the time, when I do, I see it in people's faces or hear it in their voices that I'm "overreacting".
Of course, I could be transferring my fears onto their faces and into their voices.
And I don't know why, but because of my usual lack of tears, whenever I do cry, I get really really annoyed when someone says, "Stop crying, it's going to be fine."
Of course, you jerk, I know it's going to be fine.
I know this isn't the end of the world.
I know I will get over this and move on, and I probably won't even remember this tomorrow.
But for the love of all things happy and shiny, LET ME CRY.
Am I not allowed to show any type of emotion?
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't. I should be strong and sure of myself.
But for the past few weeks, maybe months, I haven't felt strong or sure of myself.
I'm scared to death of life and not knowing what is going to happen to me.
I'm a stupid English major for crying out loud.
I keep kicking myself for quitting my education major, even though I didn't quite fit.
I love my classes. I love it that I feel like I'm actually good at them. (Minus Geography, but come on. That's not my area.)
But I'm scared to death that I just signed my own poverty/life of constant sorrow death warrant.
The voices in my head constantly say things like:
"You want to be a writer? Well, you're gonna have to live in your car and eat the crusty stuff in between the seats before you get to do that."
"You want to be a writer? Well, you're gonna have to sell your first born child to the IRS and live under the bridge along with Satchmo and Curly before you get to do that."
"You want to be a writer? Well, you're gonna have to gnaw your foot off and sell it on Ebay for a billion dollars before you get to do that."
I didn't say these voices were normal.
So, of course I'm super sensitive about feeling worthless and/or useless. I feel like I'm not doing anything, like I'm a terrible wife and a lazy person who just takes the easy way out. I feel terrible about myself most of the time. And I usually don't let it get to me.
But it did today.
And I cried.
And I felt like I didn't deserve to cry. That I shouldn't be crying.
D.J. told me I needed to "go with the flow". I said "that's all I have been doing for the past 9 months since I lost my job." Then he said, "It's gonna be alright, you'll be fine."
And that's when I stopped crying.
Because I don't deserve to cry.
