I'm Sorry

I hate the words "I'm sorry".
People do things, say things, and think "I'm sorry" should be sufficient. And sometimes, they don't even mask the "I'm not really sorry but I'm going to say it to shut you up, or at least get me off the hook" tone in their voice. So really, what are you supposed to do? Are you just supposed to say "It's fine" because they said "I'm sorry"? Can you continue on with why it really bothered you?
And I absolutely love it when the "I'm sorry" is followed by a "I said I'm sorry, what else do you want me to do?" when you continue to talk about it.
NOTHING. There's nothing you can do. Or, you can shut up and let me yell at you until I feel better, and then maybe your "I'm sorry" will be taken into consideration. If you even mean it.

Not many people apologize to me. (This is where I get all emotional and dramatic, by the way). I've learned to not let people rule my emotions. I've learned to not let people have the power to determine how I feel about myself and situations I find myself in. But it's not always easy. I've had friends do some really crappy things and somehow I still remain strong/positive/forgiving. Or I just move forward with my life without really looking back. So when people do apologize to me, I pay attention. I pay close attention to whether or not they are apologizing because they mean it or because they want me to just move along. I don't move along with a false, phony, stupid fake apology. It's like people who say "I love you" too easy. But I'd rather throw around an "I love you" (unless you are doing so to get into somebody's pants. Then shame on you) than a fake apology. Love is meant to be shared. Given. In excess. Apologizing for hurting someone is not meant to be fake.

I lost my job almost six months ago. It was a crappy job where I worked a lot, took a lot of crap, was under appreciated and underpaid. But I knew what I was doing, and I could do my job well. Of course I wasn't looking into moving up in that particular field, I am still a student and plan on doing something completely different with my life. And sure, I was under a lot of pressure planning my wedding, going to school, and working a lot of hours each week. But I did my job, and I did what was asked of me. But as soon as I came back from my honeymoon, I was fired.
Sure, I was mad/upset/confused for awhile. Hubby wanted me to go on unemployment but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I didn't want to get another job for awhile because I wanted to focus on school. We don't have a lot of bills right now, and I figured going to school was my job right now. I graduate in July and then I will have a career. So I didn't want to find a crappy job that took away time from my studies (which slipped quite a bit due to that job) just to quit after a few months to find a job in my career field. It didn't make sense to me. Plus I work with Mary Kay on the side.
But it's hard emotionally. I've had a job since I was 17. I'm used to working hard. And it does make me feel guilty that my husband is the one who brings in most of our money. It is a sensitive subject for me, and I appreciate him working hard for us.
And now that I'm writing this out, I really don't want to go deep into it. I used to spill everything, but I'm starting to feel better about it and that's the whole point of this thing - to feel better. And if I don't go any further, I will feel like my issues with self-worth about having a job and bringing in my own money will be something I can deal with on my own - and the fear that my husband harbors any kind of resentment towards me not working is hopefully just in my head.

But for anyone reading this, just take some free advice. Words can hurt, and they can stick with you for quite some time. Be careful about what you say, even to someone you love and who loves you in return. Especially to someone you love. And if you are sorry, say it and mean it. And let them get their feelings out, even if it means letting go of your pride for a few minutes. Just because you are sorry doesn't mean they are done feeling the way they feel. And if you're not sorry - don't say it. A fake apology just adds fuel to the fire. And trust me, people can tell when you're not being sincere. A true apology means you will do what you can to fix it, not to make it go away.

People

People are incredibly complex and complicated, no matter what they try to say. Most of the time, they don't even know what they're doing, they just do what makes them feel good, or what feels right to them. And then you sit there, looking what they did/are doing, and you go

WHAT THE HECK?

And they just continue on doing what they're doing, because they obviously see nothing wrong with it. And who knows, there might not really be anything wrong with what they are doing. But you can't UNDERSTAND it, and you can't CHANGE it, and it just royally PISSES YOU OFF.

But what are you supposed to do? It isn't your life, it isn't your decision. You can merely spectate and watch it happen. No matter how hard you try, you will never understand it. Because people are complex and complicated, and you suck at complex and complicated things. You failed complex and complicated things in high school.

They see it as something obvious and simple, but it's NOT. It's absolutely STUPID to you. You don't understand why a person would do something like that. It's OBVIOUSLY going to be STUPID. But they do not see the world like you do. Nobody does. Only you see the world exactly like you do.

So really, all you can do is look at them, watch them, and inside your pretty little head, think "There will come a day when I get to say 'I told you so'. And it shall be glorious."

Who knows? That day might actually come.
Or they might be doing something that turns out to be AWESOME.
Then you will be glad that you bit your tongue, because you might be able to join in on that awesomeness.

But most likely, it will be dumb and you will get to dance around them in a little circle saying "I told you so, you're so dumb." And it will be glorious.

New Year's Eve

Hubby and I went on a date tonight. It consisted of getting ticked off because Applebee's, Chili's and everywhere else on God's green McGalliard road was overflowing with people wanting to eat my food. Instead we went to Rally's and he tried (he was so persistent) to get me to do the McDonald's rap. But I'm a failure and can never remember what comes after we be up in this drive-thru, order for two. And then there's something about Dr. Pepper. Then after Rally's (it was my first time. It wasn't bad, but now my stomach is all "Y U PUT STUFF DOWN IN ME THAT IS PAINFUL? I MAKE YOU HURT NOW"), we went and sat in the movie theater parking lot until it was time to go in. We went and saw "New Years Eve" and of course I loved it. Seeing that many stars in one production, (not counting Valentines Day because it was basically the same thing, different holiday), was delightful for me. I am the type of person who just knows about stars and can remember stuff about them. Hubby got Hilary Swank and Sarah Jessica Parker mixed up, and he didn't know who Matthew Broderick is (I gasped and looked at him with extreme shock. Everyone knows Ferris). 


But this movie gave me this instant dose of optimism. That's what good movies do. They make you feel something. And that's hard for me, I'm a stone hearted bitca. (Anyone? Xander? Anyone? I'm trying hard not to swear as much). I just realized that I am in control over my choices. While I may not be in complete control over what happens to me, I can control how I react to things. I am choosing this year to be optimistic. Lots of big changes are coming my way this year. Graduation. Moving out. Finding a job. (TERRIFIED. OH MY GOD HOW DO YOU BECOME AN ADULT? Does anyone truly become an "adult"? Do you wake up one morning with a mortgage and a baby and you're like, holy craapppp, I'm an adult! I don't think I'll ever be an actual adult. I don't know how to do ANYTHING adult like. And to quote Doctor Who, "“There’s no point being grown-up if you can’t be childish sometimes.”) But no, seriously. I have been thinking for the past few weeks about life, and what to do with it, and how short it is, and all those wonderful, deep thoughts. It's exciting to not know where your life is heading. The stuff everyone talks about, it's still in the future, waiting to happen. That's pretty cool.


I would love to write for a television show, or write a script for a movie, or something like that, and give people the feeling that I get when I watch good television. It's unlike anything else, besides a book. I'll do some of that too.  (Why is this double spaced all of a sudden? Copy and pasting, that's what kills the formatting.)


I'm going to go and do something optimistic now. Like save a kitten from a tree. Every kitten needs to be saved.

It is so funny.

It's so funny. The biggest issues in my life are the people that are in it. My personal life is just fine, really. If I didn't have to be everybody's mother, boy, I'd have a lot of free time. And my life would just be a hell of a lot simpler.
Why does simpler seem like it's not a word?
Hell, it probably isn't. Maybe. I don't know.

I'm choosing to not have any New Years resolutions this year because I never keep them. I'm just going to live my life and make good decisions to better myself without having specific guidelines in mind. That way, I won't feel like a failure if it doesn't happen, and I can continue to try without wallowing in my failureness.

My husband has to get up in 4 hours to go to work and he's still raiding on WOW. I have Torchwood on pause because I can't ever get through a full episode. I don't know. I'm only on season one, so maybe it gets better, I'm TOLD it gets better, but I just can't seem to connect with it. (Gettin' my geek on right now, by the way). Jack is so different in Torchwood than he is in Who. He's so arrogant without the charisma. He doesn't seem to have any boundaries, it's just "I'm the boss, I'll kill whoever". I don't know. The Doctor always gave choices, even the freaking Racnoss when it was going to fill the Earth with scary spider babies - and then he blows them up. Jack just takes his gun and does a quick shoot 'em up. And it's just a lot darker. I don't know. We'll see.

It's also sad that a DW pic on Tumblr made me LAUGH OUT LOUD. Let me see if I can add it.
God, Lady Gaga is a weirdo. I could go on a big rant about her. I like that song though.
I'm going to Cloe's tomorrow to watch some more with her. She's getting into it as well, but I think I still win. I FREAKING want a sonic screwdriver on Amazon so I can take it out and hit the automatic door opener on campus and it looks like I sonic them open. Because "it doesn't kill, it doesn't wound, and it doesn't maim. But I'll tell you what it does do. It is very good at opening doors."
OH. And when we were at her baby appointment, we were listening to the heartbeat, and let me tell you, hearing the heartbeat through the womb sounds like the Tardis firing up. She started BUSTING out laughing while the nurse had that gel on her belly, and she looked at us like "WTF" and all I did was make the motion of the Tardis flying...and she caught on...and then we lost it.
Being Godmommy to her baby means that she will grow up understanding the amazingness of Doctor Who, Harry Potter, classic rock, and old movies.

GEEK. I AM A GEEK.

I was like this with Buffy when I was watching it way back in high school.
Maybe not AS bad, but technology has come quite a long way since 2004.

I think I get obsessed with stuff because it's better than hanging out with some of my real friends.
(INSERT CRYING NOISE HERE). AHH.

Sometimes I wonder how I have any friends.

Copied From My Tumblr

I never write on here anymore, because my heart lies with my tumblr. A big fustercluck of Harry Potter and Doctor Who?! Count me in on THAT action.
But I do think sometimes I should write in here. So I will just copy my latest post from tumblr to get me back in the groove.

I watched “Sylvia” the other day. The movie about Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughes, starring Gwenyth Paltrow and Daniel Craig. Of course it came out in 2003 and I was 13-years-old and had no idea who Sylvia Plath was. My mind has since opened and sucked in powerful worlds of knowledge, and so I latched on to this movie.

Let me tell you, as a writer, it freaking made me want to bawl my eyes out. Partially because I’m scared for my life, as I somewhat understand Plath’s madness, and as I read “The Bell Jar”, it seemed almost like normalcy when Esther descended into madness herself. But the constant word on the tip of your tongue, the constant flickering of imagery and feeling and character inside your brain, this I understand. This, with the undying urge for others to read and understand you, because otherwise you feel so alone, like your thoughts have no place in this world, this I understand. 

Of course I would never feed my children, send them to bed, and then trap myself in the kitchen and suck the gas out of my stove until I died. 

Sometimes it sucks to be a writer. Especially when you are alone. I have people all around me, all day, but they don’t know, truly know, my writing. They don’t know the words that scream in my head. They don’t know that sometimes I’d rather be hanging out with the characters in my head, because at least they get that little corner in my head better than anyone else. Or at least they listen. Sometimes it just really sucks. 

And then there’s Sylvia Plath. She knew it sucked, but there was nothing else on Earth she could do with her life. She was a writer, more than anything else, and that, plus Ted, somewhat, probably, drove her to the stove.

I wonder what my life is going to end up like.

THE ONE THING YOU KNOW FOR SURE THAT YOU HAVE TO DO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES SENSE, THAT'S THE ONE THING THAT HAS THE POWER TO SCARE THE ABSOLUTE SHIT OUT OF YOU.

Honestly, I would love to write for a tv show. Work in Hollywood. Or London. I'd FREAKING DIE to work for BBC. But I think that's kind of impossible, I wonder if they only employ Brits. Does it count that I lived there for a few months?

Probably not.

Wahhhh.

Torchwood is NOT as good.