Dark Naggy Vampire

I have this shadow in the back of my head. As I get older, he grows. He sticks his vampire teeth into my self-esteem and sucks out all of my good feelings about myself.
It's so funny, because when I was in high school, my self-esteem centered around my appearance. Sure, I want to look nice and feel good about myself, but the majority of my self-esteem issues no longer gravitate towards the scale.
I worry so much about being intelligent enough to be successful in the career path I have chosen.
I have decided to apply for grad school. I want to get my MFA in Creative Writing. I want to have that time to do nothing but hone my craft, and learn as much as I can. I also want to gain some experience in pedagogy in case this path leads me to teach. I didn't get into English as my major until I was a junior in college, and I spent most of my college career working after classes. I wasn't able to really be involved in my major as much as I wanted to, and I don't feel as if I learned as much as I could have because of it.
It doesn't help that I keep watching these teen soaps on Netflix and at least one character is crazy smart and wants to be a writer, or ends up being an English major. The television shows have these characters quote famous writers and go into long profound speeches about how these books hold the answers to big life changes that they explore throughout the episode. They sound so intelligent, and they read so much, even though most of the time the episodes center around teen sex or basketball, or will it be Pacey or Dawson? I didn't sound like that when I was sixteen. My diary was full of angst and black teardrops falling down the margins.

I feel inadequate, and I hate this feeling.

Die, Vampire.

Alone

It's really strange to really sit down and realize that you are alone, (with the exception of God) in how you feel about things. 100%. No one else feels the same way you do. You are completely unique, and how you feel, while it may be able to be interpreted by others and they may feel the same generalized feeling...it doesn't matter. You are still alone.
Ok, that sounds completely depressing.
But I'm going through a lot of changes in my life right now, and a few are big whoppers while others are more self-aware changes. Either way, I don't handle change well, even though I feel like I'm always in BOTH a constant state of flux/neutral. I am always changing but rarely do I feel as if I'm actually moving forward.

I have some amazing friends. Really, I do. But I don't think I've ever had a kindred spirit (this does not include my grandmother, of course. She is my kindred spirit). But someone my own age who is interested in the same things, and who values pretty similar things and who I feel like could completely understand me. I've had people who are really close to that, but who don't come full circle. I know that's kind of crazy to think there's such a person out there who is that similar, but I just kind of feel like I have to change myself to fit into whoever I'm with at the time, just so I can pass the time in a relatively comfortable manner. But I don't have someone who really totally gets me. Even my husband is like... "that's your thing" or "eh, not my style". If I want to be completely honest, the closest thing I'm looking for are people like my parents. But that's cheating because I was raised by these people, and they are a big reason that I am the way I am.

 I don't know. I'm feeling particularly lonely tonight. I feel like these decisions and changes that are coming up in my life, I feel like I'm kind of on my own. As if people are judging me for making these decisions because I'm not exactly where I "should" be in life to be making these decisions. We've been coming up on a lot of roadblocks lately, and life isn't exactly breezy for us. And it's now more than ever that I need the support of my friends. And they're there for me, sure. But I just feel like I'm alone.

This sucks.

Flimsy at Best

Okay. Here it is. All typical-overrated-end-of-the-year-let's-make-new-year-resolutions-blog. I sometimes hate hyphens.
I am terrible at keeping resolutions. My willpower is almost non-existent. I get agitated and antsy quite easily, and tend to remove myself from any uncomfortable situation. If I get flustered, I get grumpy, and then I don't like myself. So I quit and find happier things. Like chocolate.
But this year was a struggle for me. I have always been the "grounded" one, the one who supposedly has all the answers. But I don't. Not for myself at least. I'm still trying to figure things out. And once you get married and have another person to consider while you are "figuring your life out", it becomes a heck of a lot harder.
So, rambling aside, I thought to myself that I should make resolutions this year, and as I continue to journey along this unknown path, I might find my willpower a lot stronger as I clutch to normalcy for dear life.

Let's start with the most stereotypical/obvious choice here.

• Stop being a fatty fatso.
• It is absolutely true what they say about gaining weight after you get married. Because I didn't have to worry about fitting into my dress/bikini, I welcomed those cheeseburgers with an open mouth. Let me tell you something - they were delicious. Nothing like guilt-free eating for awhile. Until I started noticing that my once loose jeans were carving their brand into my waist, and my arms still continued to jiggle even after I had stopped waving goodbye. My face swelled up like a chipmunk's, and even my boots hugged onto my calves a little tighter. I feel heavy and have dreams of weighing 300 pounds. I am pretty uncomfortable in my own skin.
• My husband was cleared from his doctors that he can begin working out again. We have a workout/diet routine we both are going to get into, which I'm excited about because it is very difficult to change your daily habits on your own, while someone else in your home is eating very differently. It will be much easier this way, especially since my husband is the type that will slap crappy food out of my hands and tell me no.
• My goal is to lose a jean size by September and (if possible) lose 20 pounds by then. I believe that's possible.
• Finish my book.
• I do not write often enough. I tend to use my free time watching Netflix or reading. I get annoyed with myself and I feel myself pulling away from my book out of fear. What if I sound stupid? What if they take one look at my manuscript and think I'm absolutely crazy for believing this should be published? What if I'm not a good writer, and I based my entire education on a flimsy dream? What if I actually know nothing about literature and what it takes to write a good novel? Storyline? Plot? Characterization? Exposition? Climax? What are these things? Even so, how do I get what is in my mind out on paper in such a way that people understand my point? Artists express emotion and can make people feel things - I'm terrible at expressing emotion and people never understand what it is I'm trying to say. Fear clouds my determination a lot of the time. I have written about 20 pages, and I have a good outline started. I really just want to finish it - regardless if it will be published or not. To completely finish a book would be a huge stepping stone for me. I have so many unfinished projects. But that's what I tend to do. Start things, get scared, throw them in a drawer somewhere.
• Stop putting so much time and emotion into people who aren't willing to do the same for me.
• Unfortunately, this includes some people who I considered to be some of my best friends. I always tend to put more of myself into relationships than what I get in return, and I used to be okay with that. But I can't do that anymore. I realize now that I am an adult, and my time and emotion need to go to certain things, and I really don't have enough to spare. Plus, it hurts my feelings. I'm tired of broken promises and halfway smiles. If people aren't going to put effort into making the friendship work, then I won't either. I am going to stop making excuses for people and start paying attention to those who are willing to pay attention back. I am done being a convenient friend and someone who will bend over backwards. Sorry. I'm not in high school anymore.
• Learn how to play at least ONE song on guitar.
• I don't have a lot of explanation for this one. I've had my guitar since I was 14 and I have never learned how to play. I keep saying I want to learn, and I keep pulling it out and playing G and D7 over and over, but I never learn anything. We'll see.
• Read at least 20 books.
• Gots to keep up my knowledge base. I keep buying books but I don't read enough. Plus, reading fuels my desire to write, and also tends to give me good ideas.
• Spend more time with my grandparents.
• Tonight was my grandparents 50th anniversary. I realize that life is short, and I want to make sure I spend enough time with them in my busy life. They mean a lot to me, and I'm very close with them, and I really just need to see them more.
• Ok. One more that I can think of right now.  - Do at least one spontaneous thing without thinking of the consequences.
• I think way too much. I need to experience life a little. As sad as this is, I was watching Sex and the City this morning and realized that Carrie was able to write so much mostly because she lived an exciting life and took risks and chances and didn't care. That was the worst sentence ever. But honestly, I live a pretty safe and boring life. I need something to write about. I need to live a more spontaneous life.

That's all I can think of right now. Let's see if I get through the first week of 2013 without breaking any of these. Yeah. We'll see.

Media Update

• Work has been, um, well, work. I find myself coming home and changing into my pajamas right away, eating dinner, and settling in for the night. I've been watching a lot of television.
• In all fairness, I always watch a lot of television. I never believed that old saying, "television will rot your brain!" ("you'll put your eye out, kid!") Mostly because I find myself learning a heck of a lot more about the world we live in through the television shows I watch. I try to watch television shows with plot and character development and a decent story arc (this is where Glee goes down the shitter...)
• Also, a lot of this has to do with the fact that one of my big big big dreams in life is to write for a television show. We'll see.
• I can't be completely snobbish and say I don't watch any reality television shows. I watch Xfactor and The Voice, So You Think You Can Dance, and American Idol. Sometimes, towards the middle of each of these shows, I lose interest though. At one point this fall I think I had 11 "The Voice" tapings to watch at once on my DVR. And, I skip through about 50% (mostly when the hosts are talking - Carson Daley is annoying and A.C. Slater is a hater).
•  On the Xfactor, the only two judges I ever attempt to listen to are Demi and Simon. Britney (God love her - I still do) always has a stank face on, and her speaking voice sounds like she's still 12, so I have to skip through her most of the time. Plus, all she ever says is, "you're amazing, I'm so proud of you, you're a star" to her own contestants, and then sometimes she's not so nice to the others. L.A. on the other hand, he sounds much too diva-ish for my taste, even compared to Britney. I know Randy is a goofball and writes down way too many catch phrases for his dawg dictionizzle, he at least seems like he'd be cool eating a cheeseburger and hanging out. L.A. seems like he'd rather get a pedicure and eat seaweed than do anything like that. Plus, throwing a temper tantrum that he had to mentor the 25+ really turned me off of him. Let's be real, L.A., I didn't know who you were before this show. 
• (If you watch Xfactor and have not seen the results of the semi-finals, I'm giving you fair warning that this is a spoiler.) - Carly Rose, Tate Stevens, and Fifth Harmony remain in the competition. Um, okay, I guess that works. I think Emblem 3 could have replaced either Fifth Harmony or Carly Rose. I think Carly Rose has an incredible voice, especially for a thirteen-year-old. But Britney needs to give her a little more range, and stop with the over-belting. She sang "Imagine" and completely botched it in my opinion, and that kind of made me queasy on her. Not everything needs to be a huge belty note. Imagine is more about the feeling and meaning behind those words, and (I sound really judgmental when I say this) I don't believe a thirteen-year-old grasps that emotion yet. Heck, I don't even know if I do. Instead of conveying emotion, she seemed sassy and ready to hit the high wail, when that's not what that song is intended for. People booed Simon for his critique, but I agreed with him 100%. She probably could've gone home and I would've been sad, but okay with it. Fifth Harmony is good, each girl has a great voice on their own. I am a girl band geek, love me some Spice Girls and Dream. (Don't put me down for Pussycat Dolls, though.) But they really don't do enough harmony for my liking. And a lot of it, I'm not even sure if it is them or the background vocals. I think they did good with the Ellie Goulding song, I think the added production really helped make it interesting so they aren't just standing around, taking turns singing. I'm kinda like "eh" with them. But Tate Stevens...now, I think he needs to win. He's consistent, he has a very pure tone, he puts on a good show....etc, etc. He seems like the one who will actually be a star on his own, without the help of the Xfactor stage.
• I won't even get started on The Voice because I'm behind on it. Except I really like Terry McDermott and oh crap. Blake's girl. It's probably not good that I forgot her name. But I'm behind on it because I'm having a hard time caring. I usually love to tune in to listen to Adam and Blake go back and forth, but there hasn't been a lot of that lately.
• I've also finished Charmed and caught up to the current season of Merlin (I guess I'll have to wait for season 5 to come on Netflix). Fantasy/Sci-Fi has been my go-to television show for awhile now. I switched over to Dawson's Creek because that's my childhood (along with Boy Meets World, which I now have all the seasons on DVD, jelly?)
• As a writer, I hear the wit and cleverness that spew out of Joey's mouth. I appreciate it. I find Dawson to be incredibly naive/hard to relate to (I guess that's not completely fair, as I am not a fifteen/sixteen-year-old male) But his demeanor annoys me. He doesn't seem to have much depth. I can see where Joey's character has the potential to go, as well as Pacey, and if I care to be lenient, Jen. But Dawson seems so two-sided. His mother cheated on his father, and they start having issues at home, which apparently is not a normal thing in his life, and he takes a whopping 5 minutes out of his time to give two shits. He is too worried about his fantasy love life with Jen, who obviously is only interested in the idea of him, rather than the real life him (which I understand. Needy.) So I can see where this living-in-a-fantasy-world is a critical character flaw for Dawson, and mostly I see this because every other character reminds him of it every episode I have seen thus far. The creators feel the need to talk down to the audience, as if we couldn't understand that Dawson's schizophrenia is a real issue, and eventually he's going to have to be pulled out into the real world. We don't need every other argument to be about his inability to process real human emotions, and his constant desire to fall deeper into his movies and imagination to cover his lack of experience in dealing with anything other than Spielberg flicks. We get it. We've heard Joey explain it in a two-minute long speech without taking a break several times.
• In addition to that, I'm really not sure how I feel about the fact that these freshmen in high school are as smart and clever as they are in this show. I don't know about you, but when I was a freshman, I didn't speak the way these "kids" speak. It's not like I had a specific lingo, but I didn't paraphrase (or quote in any exact way) classic literature or old movies to prove a point. Sure, I love(d) old movies, and watched them sometimes. I read classic literature (as I got older. I couldn't barely grasp Pride and Prejudice when I was a junior in high school, let alone a freshman). Maybe it's because they're from the east coast, and the salty air seeps into their brains at night and makes them a hell of a lot smarter than corn brains here in the Midwest. Or (or!) maybe it's because they didn't know what Jersey Shore was, or a Snooki.
• Basically, I'm just unsure of whether or not I would use my love of poetry and words in a way that sounds collegiate or overwhelmingly prose(y) if I were to write for a television show about sex-crazed teenagers. I wouldn't say things like "dope" or "rad" either, but shouldn't there be a comfortable middle? I don't envy Dawson Creek characters for the lives they lead, or the kisses they kiss, or anything like that. I just envy their obvious intelligence as freshmen in high school. Let me pull Wuthering Heights out of my ass and see if I can sound half as clever now, as a college graduate.
• Why is this post so ridiculously long.
• This shows my priorities.
• I can't write about anything in particular/I can't write in my own book, but I can write an extremely long blog post about television shows.
• I have to go to bed soon, to wake up, to go back to work.
• I was just at work. Seriously. When does life begin?
• (insert clever prose(y) answer from Joey about life in one big breath).

End of the world

Honestly, I gotta put it out there. I'm a Christian and I have faith in Christ, and I have faith that God has a plan for this messed up world. I just don't know what it is.

It's so weird, because last night I had a dream. Well, a nightmare, really. Today is my dad's birthday, and we have had plans to go see The Hobbit in theaters for awhile to celebrate. Last night I had a nightmare that our packed theater was the target of a shooting. I somehow made it out okay, but I lost my family. It was one of the scariest dreams I've ever had. I never would have had a dream like that if it weren't for the Colorado Batman massacre. But as we walked into the theater tonight, my anxiety was up just a little bit.

When I heard about the Connecticut elementary school shooting this afternoon, I was deeply saddened, angered, and disgusted. No matter what psychologists say, no matter how many times they argue "insanity", I don't buy it. Of course, these men (or man, I've heard both) are insane. But there was obvious planning involved. The actual thought of "I'm going to bring a gun into an elementary school and shoot some little kids actually passed through the mind of a person. Someone who had a childhood, who had a chance to have their first school dance, first kiss, first prom, graduate high school. They took those chances, those possibilities away. They played God. Do you know what happens when someone tries to play God? They end up the devil.

I remember in elementary school when we had drills for this kind of thing. But I never in a million years would have dreamed that it could have happened at my school. School is supposed to be safe. Safe for the adults, too. Those adults made a life choice to help, guide, and teach children. They were taken from this Earth trying to protect those children. And now, that safety net is gone. Not only did those evil men take away innocent lives, they took away innocence. I pray to God that the children who were able to make it away from the school will not feel unsafe every day for the rest of their lives. They have had to grow up too quickly. They have seen what our world, our country, has become. Too soon.

I don't understand why this year has been a hot spot for mass shootings. I don't know if people are going off of their rockers because they believe this is the end of the world. But my belief is that we are not supposed to know when that time comes. It happens in a blink of an eye.

But if this is how the world is going to be; maybe it's time for a new one.

I do not know what God's plan is, and why this has happened today. But I do believe that there is good out there in this world. It is time for good to step up, and make itself known again. It is time to bring back faith, hope, love, acceptance, tolerance, and peace back into this world. Especially back into schools, where minds are growing and adapting. It's time that we listen more, and speak less. But when we do speak, we speak up for what is right.

Everything I am saying sounds so cliche. But I can't help it. I can't be clever tonight.

God bless Newtown, Connecticut and those who lost loved ones, and those who have to find ways to move forward. You are not alone.

Making Up For Lost Time

• I tried to start writing a blog about Netflix but I got distracted by Netflix.
• Is that considered Netflix meta-thinking?
• It is Wednesday and I'm only half considering jumping off a cliff because the week is half over.
• I'm jealous of people born in the UK because I wish I had a British accent. I wonder if it is easier for someone with a Scottish or Irish accent to portray an English accent in comparison to an American trying to do so. I'm also guessing there is a standardized British accent that is desirable for television, just as there is a standardized American accent that is desirable for television (as I learned in my Linguistics class, that accent is the Midwestern accent. I guess I have something going for me.)
• I'm pretty much guessing this because British accents sound so polished and intelligent on these BBC shows, but the accent of Lauren Cooper is pretty much all I heard while I lived in Grantham.
• P.S., I changed the language on my iphone to British English. It kept changing "realize" to "realise" and I loved it, but I had to change it when I texted it because that's not how we spell it in 'Murica.
• My bullet points are disorganized, my apologies.
• Work is making me want to slam my head against my desk. It is incredibly stressful this week. I'm ready for Friday, as it is a half day and we get our Christmas bonus. I'm not getting my hopes up though, I've been disappointed before.
• This is the last week hubby and I are eating whatever we want. He finds out tomorrow, hopefully, if he has this muscle disorder. If not, we are going to start going back to the gym and eating well. My goal is to lose 20 pounds and go down a jean size. His goal is to lose 50-60 pounds and bulk back up, I'm guessing. I'm pretty frumpy lately; I'm a stress eater.
• I want to be in good shape when we go to London so I like the pictures we take. I want to take a lot more pictures this time around, I don't think I took enough last time.
• I don't understand why Lancelot died in Merlin when he's supposed to be a Knight of the Round Table. (Is that supposed to be capitalized because it comes from legend? English major fail.)
• Every article I have read lately about "what to do with an English major" has made me want to die. "Become a copy writer!" "Work for businesses!" "Write medical articles!" blah! No! 
• I'm sleepy. Alas, alack, alas, away to sleep I go (said in British accent). And when I say, to sleep, I mean, I need to finish a few more episodes of Merlin and then pass out after eleven o'clock at night and then hate my life tomorrow morning at work.
• um ok, bye then.

Smeh

• I'm really sick of myself, to tell you the truth. How many times do I need to say, "Gosh, it's been a long time since I have written in my blog" before I make this a real day-to-day habit? Ugh, I am ridiculous.
• I'm also sick of myself because all I want to do with my life is write, and I don't even do it that often. I'm angry because I keep telling myself that this is my dream! This is all I have ever wanted to do! blah blah American Idol bullshit! But really, all I do is worry that I suck and I'm just completely full of myself. 
• Honestly, so many people are talented, and so many people wish they were. I don't know where I belong, if this is worth it. I have been reading articles about MFA programs and what it takes to be a writer, and I'm worried that I'm just not cut out for this. I feel cheap because I just want someone to tell me that I am a good writer and I should just keep working and moving forward. But I should know these things about myself, right? I shouldn't need affirmation. Writing is a solitary experiment, something that can only come out of my brain. 
• I just feel like I need a Simon Cowell of writing to tell me whether or not I should quit my day job.
• I can't quit my day job, I have bills to pay. 
• Sometimes, especially this week because Brooke is gone and the whole office has gone to hell, I wish I could quit my day job and just work from home.
• Sometimes, I wish I was intelligent enough to just write pieces for magazines or newspapers, and people would read them and beg for more.
• Sometimes, I'm actually jealous of "Ask Phoebe" from Charmed because she was just handed that job, for crying out loud! I can't find a writing job to save my life! I'm working as a legal secretary and I've probably gained 10 pounds because of the stress!
• I can't even do what I want to do because what I want to do is not offered in central Indiana!
• Why did God give me these dreams and aspirations, and why did He put all these words and ideas into my head if not to set them free?! 
• This whole blogging thing was supposed to be cathartic but now all I am is pissed.
• Wine, wine, wine.