Dark Naggy Vampire

I have this shadow in the back of my head. As I get older, he grows. He sticks his vampire teeth into my self-esteem and sucks out all of my good feelings about myself.
It's so funny, because when I was in high school, my self-esteem centered around my appearance. Sure, I want to look nice and feel good about myself, but the majority of my self-esteem issues no longer gravitate towards the scale.
I worry so much about being intelligent enough to be successful in the career path I have chosen.
I have decided to apply for grad school. I want to get my MFA in Creative Writing. I want to have that time to do nothing but hone my craft, and learn as much as I can. I also want to gain some experience in pedagogy in case this path leads me to teach. I didn't get into English as my major until I was a junior in college, and I spent most of my college career working after classes. I wasn't able to really be involved in my major as much as I wanted to, and I don't feel as if I learned as much as I could have because of it.
It doesn't help that I keep watching these teen soaps on Netflix and at least one character is crazy smart and wants to be a writer, or ends up being an English major. The television shows have these characters quote famous writers and go into long profound speeches about how these books hold the answers to big life changes that they explore throughout the episode. They sound so intelligent, and they read so much, even though most of the time the episodes center around teen sex or basketball, or will it be Pacey or Dawson? I didn't sound like that when I was sixteen. My diary was full of angst and black teardrops falling down the margins.

I feel inadequate, and I hate this feeling.

Die, Vampire.

Alone

It's really strange to really sit down and realize that you are alone, (with the exception of God) in how you feel about things. 100%. No one else feels the same way you do. You are completely unique, and how you feel, while it may be able to be interpreted by others and they may feel the same generalized feeling...it doesn't matter. You are still alone.
Ok, that sounds completely depressing.
But I'm going through a lot of changes in my life right now, and a few are big whoppers while others are more self-aware changes. Either way, I don't handle change well, even though I feel like I'm always in BOTH a constant state of flux/neutral. I am always changing but rarely do I feel as if I'm actually moving forward.

I have some amazing friends. Really, I do. But I don't think I've ever had a kindred spirit (this does not include my grandmother, of course. She is my kindred spirit). But someone my own age who is interested in the same things, and who values pretty similar things and who I feel like could completely understand me. I've had people who are really close to that, but who don't come full circle. I know that's kind of crazy to think there's such a person out there who is that similar, but I just kind of feel like I have to change myself to fit into whoever I'm with at the time, just so I can pass the time in a relatively comfortable manner. But I don't have someone who really totally gets me. Even my husband is like... "that's your thing" or "eh, not my style". If I want to be completely honest, the closest thing I'm looking for are people like my parents. But that's cheating because I was raised by these people, and they are a big reason that I am the way I am.

 I don't know. I'm feeling particularly lonely tonight. I feel like these decisions and changes that are coming up in my life, I feel like I'm kind of on my own. As if people are judging me for making these decisions because I'm not exactly where I "should" be in life to be making these decisions. We've been coming up on a lot of roadblocks lately, and life isn't exactly breezy for us. And it's now more than ever that I need the support of my friends. And they're there for me, sure. But I just feel like I'm alone.

This sucks.