A Revelation, if you please.

Today was the most interesting relaxation day of my life. Well, maybe that's a stretch, I cannot really begin to remember all of the relaxing days of my life and whether this happens to be the most interesting - but I'll play the card anyway.

Today I woke up slightly ill. I did not feel well at all. I mostly blame the fact that I ate pasta last night for my Dad's birthday. I should really stop eating foods I know I shouldn't have. If I stop eating these foods, I won't crave them. I know this works because I haven't had taco bell in about 8 years, and never will again. But anyway, I was sick. I basically called into work and luckily had no classes today, so I was allowed a little R&R, which I never ever get. If I don't have class, I have work, or vice versa. I never get one full day to do absolutely...nothing. So I lounged around in my misery and watched television.

Ah, television. I turned on Netflix and tried to figure out what I would like to watch. I decided on Hoarders, Season 1. Just because I have heard so much about it and have watched an episode or two before. So my Wii made the little ding, and Hoarders began.

Now, I consider myself to be about 25% packrat. I like to keep certain things because they bring back memories. I have "memory boxes" and store them away in the closet. I'm getting lots better because I don't really collect knick knacks except for a few select items. I got rid of most of my stuffed animals and my porcelain dolls are stored for safekeeping. The most I have sitting out is my two bookshelves overflowing of books and my entertainment center overflowing of movies. I can get by with this.

However, watching Hoarders made me feel quite insecure. It's so disgusting I can't stop watching. These people actually allow their lives to be recorded and their dirty laundry displayed for all of America to see...literally. This woman was so "embarrassed that others came in to see her home the way it was" but she was parading it on television? Hoarding is a mental disorder, but they can make a few bucks on the way.

Anyways, after watching a few episodes, I felt severely inclined to clean out my room. And really clean out my room. Get rid of anything that I really don't need. I had tried to do this a few weeks ago and was mostly successful, so my job wasn't so hard this time. I got rid of some pictures of people I never talk to anymore. I threw away a lot of papers I was saving for no particular reason. But this fear in the back of my mind of becoming a hoarder almost seems ridiculous, but I can't seem to shake it. I like to keep things, and I'm a slightly unorganized person when it comes to storing things in my room. I would like to learn how to organize, so when I do have my own home, I can keep things nice. Their homes made me feel overwhelmed, and I was just watching it on television. I had this revelation that I cannot allow myself to keep things I never look at, or need. The space makes me feel much better rather than a memory that I can't recall on my own.

I have also learned that I love lists. I almost feel OCD when it comes to making lists and checking things off lists. That's another reason I love netflix. I get to watch movies, send them back, and receive another movie...all within a nice list. I watch the list get smaller. It's such a weird realization, one I cannot really vocalize well. But it makes me feel slightly OCD. And anyone who knows me knows I am not an OCD person.

So I cleaned up my room a bit. I have a final tomorrow and a final paper due tomorrow. This has been the easiest finals week I have really ever had. But I guess I should get started on the paper.
Maybe Coldplay tonight.

Cue: Fix You - Coldplay
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you 

In the middle of everything, I would much rather have a cup of coffee and watch my television shows than deal with any of this. It isn't fair how everything piles up and tips over when you are trying your best to find composure. I had barely a leg to stand on, let alone to balance on during this last month. But I am making it through. I don't know how, but here I stand, leg and all.

Work has been stressful, but I manage. I would really enjoy a raise, but I know this isn't the right time to ask for one. I just think it a bit ridiculous that I make the same amount as when I barely worked a few days a week and wrote memos, but now I work 20 or so hours a week (which as a full time student, that's quite a bit, especially since I don't work weekends) and I have so much more responsibility. But I must remind myself that I am blessed to have even have a job, especially one so close to home.

School is almost over. It's finals week and I have finals Thursday and Friday. I will be absolutely elated when Friday is finished. This semester has been excruciating, but I expect okay results. I know I am at least getting A's and B's. I've worked extremely hard, and I will only really miss one class. Another I enjoyed but do not mind completing. The rest  I will enjoy never having again. I'm looking forward to next semester, but I'm very glad I have a few weeks off.

The stresses of friendship has almost been the most prevalent, right under schoolwork. Not knowing how things will turn out has been stressful enough. Feeling inadequate and unappreciated has been a whole other issue. I have decided that one of my New Years Resolutions will be to take care of myself first, and the rest will follow. I cannot handle carrying everyone's baggage on my shoulders and handle my life at the same time. My back is tired.

Wedding plans are starting to bloom again. I have found my photographer! It is one of my mom's friends who does the photos for the hospital. He's very good! I cannot believe it is less than 8 months away.

I'm in need of a writer's place. *sigh*

Maybe a little A Fine Frenzy for tonight?
Cue: Bird of the Summer - A Fine Frenzy

You came with the season, as the first swallow sang
A brown headed stranger, with a five-letter name
we planted our kisses where the wild berries grow my feet sprouted wings and i flew all the way home dooodoodoo

my cheeks red like fire engines racing straight to the heat of your skin
and i know our days are numbered, early bird of the summer you'll fly south just as the fall begins

the leaves changed their colors and the schoolyards were filled
my coat with the patches barely keeps out the chill dooo
you sent me a postcard from a town out of state, i wish it were warmer and i hope you're the same doopdoodoo

the fields where we wandered were golden
now only muddy my boots
and i know i should recover, you're a bird of the summer, i was wrong to try and capture you

Flight
Flight

gone is the pale hand of winter
here is the first flush of may
and soon I will discover whether birds of the summer fly in circles or just fly away

It's Crazy

How you can never know what will happen from one day to the next.

And you can never truly know someone.

But you can know that things will come together the way they are meant to come together.
and God will guide you along.

Because otherwise I'm just floating in nonsense.

Winding Down

I apologize for my lack of writing. I've been crazy busy with school and work and haven't had the time or motivation.

The semester is winding down, which I'm thankful for. But I am still going to be crazy busy until Christmas. I will literally celebrate when this semester is over.

Other than the crazy lifestyle I live right now, other things are good. I've been sort of withdrawing from other aspects of my life because I honestly can't handle everything all at once. Trying to deal with my stuff everyday as well as being the mediator of everyone else's life - I just couldn't cut it anymore. I'm much happier in my little hole. For now at least.

I really need to get through reading the first LOTR book. I've been reading it since July and it's bothering me that it is taking me this long. Of course I have read books for school in the meantime but I would like to continue on with my list. I think next I might read some Virginia Woolf. I'm more interested in her since I watched "The Hours" with my extremely distant family member Meryl Streep. Haha.

December is full of fun times. Going to see Spamalot at school with a group of girls. Cloe's 21st birthday. Girl's Dinner. My Christmas Party. Me, D.J., Em and Derek are going to go see the lights in Marion. During break I'm going to make Cloe watch Ally McBeal.

Life isn't so bleak right now. I need to get back into writing but I say that every day.
Only 8 more months + 1 week left until I'm Mrs. Ellsworth. Weird.
We are in the process of trying to book the honeymoon.
And we are going to turn Tyler's room into a little living room for me since I'll still be living at home. I'm kind of excited about that.

That's all I have for now.
Amy, I miss you.

And I'll leave with a song:
Maybe a little Dylan for tonight.

Cue: Like A Rolling Stone - Bob Dylan
Once upon a time you dressed so fine
You threw the bums a dime in your prime, didn't you?
People'd call, say "Beware doll, you're bound to fall"
You thought they were all kiddin' you
You used to laugh about
Everybody that was hangin' out
Now you don't talk so loud
Now you don't seem so proud
About having to be scrounging for your next meal

 

How does it feel
How does it feel
To be without a home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?

 

You've gone to the finest school all right, Miss Lonely
But you know you only used to get juiced in it
And nobody has ever taught you
how to live on the street
And now you find out you're gonna have
to get used to it
You said you'd never compromise
With the mystery tramp, but now you realize
He's not selling any alibis
As you stare into the vacuum of his eyes
And say, do you want to make a deal?

 

How does it feel
To be on your own
With no direction home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?

 

You never turned around to see the frowns
on the jugglers and the clowns
When they all did tricks for you
You never understood that it ain't no good
You shouldn't let other people get your kicks for you
You used to ride on chrome horse with your diplomat
Who carried on his shoulder a Siamese cat
Ain't it hard when you discover that
He really wasn't where it's at
After he took from you everything he could steal

 

How does it feel
How does it feel
To have on your own
With no direction home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?

 

Princess on the steeple and all the pretty people
They're drinkin', thinkin' that they got it made
Exchanging all kinds of precious gifts and things
But you'd better take your diamond ring, you'd better pawn it babe
You used to be so amused
At Napoleon in rags and the language that he used
Go to him now, he calls you, you can't refuse
When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose
You're invisible now, you got no secrets to conceal

 

How does it feel
How does it feel
To be on your own
With no direction home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?

So Full Of Wit

I just can't stay away.

Friday Emily and I stayed in, ate pizza and watched the ever so sappy Notting Hill. It was enjoyable and the most important part: it was cheap.
It was nice to have a drama-free night like we used to have.

Saturday I started to clean my room. Now my methods are somewhat backwards, because when I truly clean my room, I tend to tear it apart in the process. I try to find homes for everything, and when I fail, I tend to shove the objects into various drawers or cabinets. When I go through said drawers and cabinets, I think to myself "Ah, self. You need to find the proper place for this." and it ends up on my floor in a pile for a few days. Then I put it back into the said drawer or cabinet and try again next time.
Needless to say, my room is cleaner than it has been, but there are random piles of random objects around my room.
Sadly, I'm pretty OCD about certain things in my room. My books should be categorized by genre, and right now they aren't. There isn't enough room in my bookshelves to separate them by genre, so I just shove books in wherever there is room. Thinking about it makes my stomach hurt. I don't like the fact that Paradise Lost is next to Twilight. Heck. I don't like the fact that I even have Twilight.
It's sad that I'm addicted to buying books. Most of the books on my bookshelves are still unread. Poor, unused knowledge.
Then D.J. came and picked me up and we went to get Chinese. We were going to go see a movie, but we didn't, because he didn't feel like it. So we came back to my house and watched Full Metal Jacket. Such a great alternative. (If you haven't picked up on that sarcasm yet...here's your chance).
So Full Metal Jacket. I've heard of this movie and was interested to see what it was about. I'm a fan of Stanley Kubrick after watching one of his films in my Intro to Film class my freshman year, so the film already had points to begin with. After awhile, I realized it was basically watching a basic training camp and the Vietnam War. There was really no storyline, minus the immensely creepy Pvt. Pyle storyline. I saw it coming. His eyes went rigid. The scene in the bathroom will forever haunt my dreams. After that part, I got bored. There are a few good lines in it that I had NO idea came from this movie. Other than that, I'm glad I watched it just to say I've watched it, minus the last half hour, but I probably won't watch it again.
Today was church. Good message as always. I've been doing homework, finishing up cleaning, and I finally finished Veronica Mars. I'm extremely upset.
Begin Rant
I do not understand how a show that is so intelligently written, funny, smart, interesting, and downright witty could get cancelled after three seasons, without even a real ending, but shows like Dancing with the Stars or Survivor can last all these years. It seriously makes me mad. Good shows like Veronica Mars, or New Amsterdam, these shows get cancelled because they didn't get enough views. Now I will never know what happens. It stopped in the middle of the storyline. That makes it even worse.
End Rant
Now I must find a new TV show to watch. I'm still watching Boston Legal with mom and dad, but I need one on my own time too. Maybe I'll just watch all these movies that are on my queue.

Have I mentioned that this week is going to be the week from Hell?
Three papers due and my debate due.
Excuse me while I toss myself off a cliff.

At least while I fall to my death I can leave you with a song.
Which one shall I pick tonight?

How about Regina? She's always lovely.
Cue: Field Below - Regina Spektor


I wish I'd see a field below 
i wish I'd hear a rooster crow 
But there are none who live downtown 
And so the day starts out so slow 
Again the sun was never called 
And darkness spreads over the snow 
Like ancient bruises 
I'm awake and feel the ache 
But I wish I'd see a field below 
I wish I'd see a field below 

I wish I'd see your face below 
I wish I'd hear you whispering low 
But you don't live downtown no more 
And everything must come and go 

Again the sun was never called 
And darkness spreads over the snow 
Like ancient bruises
I'm awake and feel the ache 
I'm awake and feel the ache 
But I wish I'd see a field below 
But I wish I'd see a field below 
I'm awake and feel the ache 
But I wish I'd see a field below 
I'm awake and feel the ache 
But I wish I'd see a field below 
I wish I'd see a field below 
I wish I'd see a field below 

Jack White and Blue Lights

Today has been one of those days.
It started out well. I got a B+ on my World Lit test and an A on my Creative Writing midterm. Then Comm came and put me in a bad mood.
Work was fine. I'm probably going to learn a lot the next few weeks.
I then had to go to campus to work on this stupid debate that's making me want to pull my hair out.
Mostly it's people who is causing me to be upset.


Of my bridesmaids, I talk to two regularly. 
Of the other four, two of them I feel pretty okay about it because we are all so busy and we still maintain a good friendship.
One of them is going through a rough time, and I understand, but it still hurts.
The other one...just hurts me a lot.


I feel like the two people are my solid foundation right now.
I just feel like I give so much. I love to help my friends and be there for them and do whatever I can to make their lives easier.
I don't mean to sound like a martyr. 
Because I'm not.
But I'm so tired of it.


I'm tired of people walking all over me, or not being involved in my life.
Sooner or later I'm gonna stop giving my soul to people.


I listened to the White Stripes while riding the shuttle bus back to my car tonight, hence my title. It was one of those out of body experiences where I felt like I was looking at myself. Listening to "Little Ghost" while riding in a bus with neon blue lights. It was weird.
I can't wait until 2010 is over. It's been a sucky year.


Next semester I'm taking an astronomy class. I'm kind of excited about it.
I've been watching Veronica Mars like it's my job. Not really, I don't have enough time to watch it. I'll watch half a show one time then finish it a day later or so. Today they made a reference to Citizen Kane, and I felt pretty privileged to know what it was. This is what I get for having the parents that I do.


I feel like baring (bearing? baring? no clue) my soul was a bad idea. I barely (got that one right) tell people my feelings or emotions. This is why.


Song of the Day:
Cue: More than Sorry - Ben Harper


goodbye
hasn't been so good to me
stepped out into the night
back against the moon
i saw ten thousand hands with candlelight
we all think that we're right
it's hard to tell
if the night is full of hope or doom

what more than sorry can i say
what more than sorry can i be
before our love fades away
what more than sorry
do you want from me

my eyes
burn with unshed tears
my body is weak
from so many silent years
too many people say goodbye
before they say hello
step into the morning
and disappear

what more than sorry can i say
what more than sorry can i be
before our love fades away
what more than sorry
do you want from me

what more than sorry can i say
what more than sorry can i be
before our love fades away
what more than sorry
do you want from me 

Epic Fail, Bracken

First things first.

I'm a freaking busy person.

That's an understatement. I'm crazy busy all the time. I work 22-24 hours a week, give or take. And I go to school full time. And I'm an English Ed major. Which means I have to read. A lot.
Plus I'm planning a wedding. (Gush).
So I don't have the time or energy to go to Bracken (the library at BSU) and spend two hours trying to find articles that do not exist.
Our debate topic is a POS and I hate it.
It's been crazy from the start.
And I want it to die.
A slow, agonizing, gut wrenching death.
The librarian dude even went through every.single.database that Ball State has, and yet there are [0] results.
I'm too busy and too stressed to do this.

Okay. End rant. About Comm anyway.

Other than that today was good. It was a beautiful day. Perfect weather. If we had weather like today year round, I'd be a genuinely happy person.
We finished up Emma, (I used sparknotes. Shh) so now we do the stupid part and read the critiques.
Work was slow, but I didn't mind. I just needed to make sure I was out of there at a decent time because I had to go to campus.
Alas, Alack, my life cannot stop for even a ranting blogpost.

Achebe beckons.

But yet, I'll leave you with my song for today:
Cue: You and Me - Dave Matthews Band

Wanna pack your bags, Something small
Take what you need and we disappear
Without a trace we'll be gone, gone
The moon and the stars can follow the car
and then when we get to the ocean
We gonna take a boat to the end of the world
All the way to the end of the world

Oh, and when the kids are old enough
We gonna teach them to fly

You and me together, we could do anything, Baby
You and me together yes, yes

You and I, we're not tied to the ground
Not falling but rising like rolling around
Eyes closed above the rooftops
Eyes closed, we're gonna spin through the stars
Our arms wide as the sky
We gonna ride the blue all the way to the end of the world
To the end of the world

Oh, and when the kids are old enough
We gonna teach them to fly

You and me together, we could do anything, Baby
You and me together yes, yes

We can always look back at what we did
All these memories of you and me baby
But right now it's you and me forever girl
And you know we could do better than anything that we did
You know that you and me, we could do anything

You and me together, we could do anything, Baby
You and me together yeah, yeah
Two of us together, we could do anything, baby
You and me together yeah, yeah
Two of us together yeah, yeah
Two of us together, we could do anything, baby

It's so small
Till we reach the end of the world

Oh My Knightly

Everyone who knows me knows how much I love reading.
Especially literature.
So, you know, Jane Austen should be a breeze. Especially if I have to read it for class.
But Emma is so......
Boring.


Ten pages all about manners throughout a dinner party, and whether someone's social status is high enough to be in the same room as Emma, because God forbid she dances with *gasp*...a merchant!
What would people say?


Albeit, I've never read Austen's other works yet besides the overly familiar Pride and Prejudice. I am well aware that I am comparing Emma to Elizabeth Bennet, which is probably why Emma annoys me so much. How could Austen write such a character after penning someone like Elizabeth Bennet? Of course I could be totally missing the point, because I'm not sure whether or not Austen is being satirical or not.
Either way, Elizabeth Bennet would have made fun of Emma.
And so shall I.
But I must finish the novel first.


Okay. Must stop analyzing literature for two minutes.


Today was good. I had three classes, two of them my favorites and one of them I declare the death of me. I will be happier once my Comm class is over.
I didn't have to work today, which was nice. I could have let my partner know but I didn't know until I had already left campus and I had too much to do.
I got my Northface jacket in the mail. I ordered it Saturday, so Northface is on a roll. It's really warm and it fits, which is good. I'm pretty pleased.


My parents introduced me to The Spiral Staircase. I knew the song More Today than Yesterday (Thanks, Ally McBeal) but I didn't know who sang it. (Besides Richard Fish).


I watched Glee over at Lakeley's which was nice. I miss going over there regularly. I miss when Glee was simple and the kids seemed so lovable and weird. Now they are kind of turning more edgy and sexual. Maybe they will go back to their roots.


And I had lunch with Emily, which was really nice. I like our little random lunch dates. It makes me feel like I have a life.


Now I guess I should go read the 200 pages I have left. It's gonna be a long night.
Oh my Knightly.


Alas, I'll leave you with a song.


Cue: More Today Than Yesterday  - The Spiral Staircase


I don't remember what day it was
I didn't notice what time it was
All I know is that I fell in love with you
And if all my dreams come true
I'll be spending time with you

Every day's a new day in love with you
With each day comes a new way of loving you
Every time I kiss your lips my mind starts to wander
And if all my dreams come true
I'll be spending time with you

Oh, I love you more today than yesterday
But not as much as tomorrow
I love you more today than yesterday
But, darling, not as much as tomorrow

Tomorrow's date means springtime's just a day away
Cupid, we don't need ya now, be on your way
I thank the lord for love like ours that grows ever stronger
And I always will be true
I know you feel the same way too

Oh, I love you more today than yesterday
But not as much as tomorrow
I love you more today than yesterday
But only half as much as tomorrow

In the beginning

I can't even count how many blogs I've had in my lifetime. I wonder if it's a testament of my inability to ever complete something I start. I just erase something and start over, thinking the next one will be better. I'll stick to this one.
Well, in my own defense, my Harlaxton blog is still up. I just can't access it. Someone decided to be a winner and hack my gmail account which connects to blogspot.
So here's a promise to myself:
This is the one.
This is the one that will work.
I also promise to myself to be 100% completely open and honest. I don't think my other blogs worked because I was always worried someone will read it and get upset by what I write. But in all honesty, who is going to read this? I did so well with my first opendiary because I was honest and wrote about what I was truly feeling. Isn't that the point of a blog?
I want to introduce myself, but I know myself well enough to know that who I am will eventually be distributed throughout my posts. I can't not talk about how awesome I am. Kidding.
I'm procrastinating my homework because my comm partner is....okay, I need to stick with my promise....difficult. I don't feel like going into it because I've ranted enough.
Today was just another mundane Monday. Get up. Go to class. Discuss Emma. Go to work. Do mind numbing office assistant duties. Come home. Eat dinner. Watch Boston Legal with mom and dad (that part is not so mundane). Homework. Bed.
Do it all over again.

For someone so young and vivacious, my life is boring.

Maybe I can keep up with sarcasm and not make this blog dramatic?
Challenge accepted.

Edit.
(Cue Regina Spektor - Edit)


Dear Comm Partner,

Please do not text me Sunday night after a whole weekend without hearing from you, chastising me for not getting anything done. I know this is important and a part of our grade.
But then, you avoid my questions about what part of this you would like to do. After telling me you would send me your information after an hour, I wait 4 hours for you to send me links to articles to read. Two of them have nothing to do with our topic. One of them is the link I had found and sent you.
Then you finally choose which arguments you are going to use. It is after midnight the night before the practice debate and you still have sent me nothing.
So this is me, saying as nicely as I can:
Screw it, I'm going to bed.