Nonsense that makes sense.

Painstakingly easy,
Roman Rules the evening,
sour patch kids and red vines on Fridays.
Treats for everyone.


----------------------------------------------------
I usually take a bit of nonsense and toss it up in the air when I'm feeling creatively empty.
It isn't fair that my words don't make sense when I scratch them so hard to make them become so.
They don't want to budge off of their recliners and turn the channel.
The Price is Right makes good conversation.

I'm thirsty for appreciation but I don't want to ask for a drink of water.
My cat purrs on my lap but he wants a treat.
Never say no to kitty.

The mirror laughs at me when I smile.
A 12-year-old 20-year-old without self.
Feeling heavy, heavy, hard.
Clump, clump, clump, loud feet.
Wobbly jelly can't go away.

Oh the headache.

Beautiful

I'm doing the best with what I have,
but sometimes I wonder if it's enough.

I get up every morning and hate how I feel,
but I know that there's always tomorrow to make it better.
I'm behind in school but I work hard, so I can't do the math on that one.
People probably don't realize the struggles I have with myself,
but that's all okay with me,
I don't tend to make it known anyways,
I don't tend to talk about myself because there's not really a point.
I try to be as happy as possible,
God made me the way I am,
I should accept the way I am.
It's hard to remember how I used to feel about myself,
that I'm capable of being happy with myself,
but I can't get back to that feeling.
Instead I start crying out of nowhere and D.J. makes a face,
but he holds me and consoles me anyway.
He thinks I'm beautiful, which is all I could ask for.
I guess I could ask for more.

Well

I'm just not doing very well.

I Love

I love being put on the back burner.

I love having no control over my life, but instead other people making decisions for me.

I love being the convenient friend that is always around.

Wait.

No I don't.

Suddenly I See

I smell like tanning lotion.

It's been forever and a day since I have written, and I'm not going to try to justify it. I just got lazy. I've been crazy busy with school, work, and this wedding though. But my life since 2011 has started seems quite a bit better. My attitude towards things has changed, which is nice. 

School is going okay so far I suppose. 4 English classes and Astronomy. I don't particularly like Astronomy, I thought I would. I'm doing decently though, I got a 90% on my quiz. English240 is good, I like my professor. He's pretty funny. And I realized that I'm in the right major because sitting in Astronomy is so different for me than sitting in an English class. English I can stay awake and enjoy the conversation, whereas when science or math is put in front of me, I become slightly narcoleptic. All the rest of my classes are okay (English220,213 and 412. 412 is with Dr. Hartman whose classes I always enjoy).

Nothing creative though, which kind of sucks. But Nik and I collaborated on a piece, I'm waiting for him to revise it and put it all together. I'll be excited to see it when he posts it.

I've been having a lot of issues with my stomach again. I go see a doctor next week to hopefully run some tests. I have been getting sick after eating again and pretty bad pain. I'm getting to the point where I just want to swear off food all together. But I can't do that - that's bad.

D.J. got his membership at White River, which is nice. Now he, Barry, Cloe and I can work out together. We did tonight and I'm so sore. Cloe and I also tanned, so hence the "I smell like tanning lotion remark". And we ate. It was nice, I love spending time with them. D.J. and I have a bet going, I need to lose 20 pounds and he needs to lose...some amount I can't remember. Whoever loses their whole amount wins, and the loser has to do something embarrassing at the wedding. 

I wish I had better self-confidence.

And I wish these stupid braces would come off. I had a dream last night they just fell off and my teeth were still crooked. It was pretty strange.

Hey Amy....I miss you

A Revelation, if you please.

Today was the most interesting relaxation day of my life. Well, maybe that's a stretch, I cannot really begin to remember all of the relaxing days of my life and whether this happens to be the most interesting - but I'll play the card anyway.

Today I woke up slightly ill. I did not feel well at all. I mostly blame the fact that I ate pasta last night for my Dad's birthday. I should really stop eating foods I know I shouldn't have. If I stop eating these foods, I won't crave them. I know this works because I haven't had taco bell in about 8 years, and never will again. But anyway, I was sick. I basically called into work and luckily had no classes today, so I was allowed a little R&R, which I never ever get. If I don't have class, I have work, or vice versa. I never get one full day to do absolutely...nothing. So I lounged around in my misery and watched television.

Ah, television. I turned on Netflix and tried to figure out what I would like to watch. I decided on Hoarders, Season 1. Just because I have heard so much about it and have watched an episode or two before. So my Wii made the little ding, and Hoarders began.

Now, I consider myself to be about 25% packrat. I like to keep certain things because they bring back memories. I have "memory boxes" and store them away in the closet. I'm getting lots better because I don't really collect knick knacks except for a few select items. I got rid of most of my stuffed animals and my porcelain dolls are stored for safekeeping. The most I have sitting out is my two bookshelves overflowing of books and my entertainment center overflowing of movies. I can get by with this.

However, watching Hoarders made me feel quite insecure. It's so disgusting I can't stop watching. These people actually allow their lives to be recorded and their dirty laundry displayed for all of America to see...literally. This woman was so "embarrassed that others came in to see her home the way it was" but she was parading it on television? Hoarding is a mental disorder, but they can make a few bucks on the way.

Anyways, after watching a few episodes, I felt severely inclined to clean out my room. And really clean out my room. Get rid of anything that I really don't need. I had tried to do this a few weeks ago and was mostly successful, so my job wasn't so hard this time. I got rid of some pictures of people I never talk to anymore. I threw away a lot of papers I was saving for no particular reason. But this fear in the back of my mind of becoming a hoarder almost seems ridiculous, but I can't seem to shake it. I like to keep things, and I'm a slightly unorganized person when it comes to storing things in my room. I would like to learn how to organize, so when I do have my own home, I can keep things nice. Their homes made me feel overwhelmed, and I was just watching it on television. I had this revelation that I cannot allow myself to keep things I never look at, or need. The space makes me feel much better rather than a memory that I can't recall on my own.

I have also learned that I love lists. I almost feel OCD when it comes to making lists and checking things off lists. That's another reason I love netflix. I get to watch movies, send them back, and receive another movie...all within a nice list. I watch the list get smaller. It's such a weird realization, one I cannot really vocalize well. But it makes me feel slightly OCD. And anyone who knows me knows I am not an OCD person.

So I cleaned up my room a bit. I have a final tomorrow and a final paper due tomorrow. This has been the easiest finals week I have really ever had. But I guess I should get started on the paper.
Maybe Coldplay tonight.

Cue: Fix You - Coldplay
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you 

In the middle of everything, I would much rather have a cup of coffee and watch my television shows than deal with any of this. It isn't fair how everything piles up and tips over when you are trying your best to find composure. I had barely a leg to stand on, let alone to balance on during this last month. But I am making it through. I don't know how, but here I stand, leg and all.

Work has been stressful, but I manage. I would really enjoy a raise, but I know this isn't the right time to ask for one. I just think it a bit ridiculous that I make the same amount as when I barely worked a few days a week and wrote memos, but now I work 20 or so hours a week (which as a full time student, that's quite a bit, especially since I don't work weekends) and I have so much more responsibility. But I must remind myself that I am blessed to have even have a job, especially one so close to home.

School is almost over. It's finals week and I have finals Thursday and Friday. I will be absolutely elated when Friday is finished. This semester has been excruciating, but I expect okay results. I know I am at least getting A's and B's. I've worked extremely hard, and I will only really miss one class. Another I enjoyed but do not mind completing. The rest  I will enjoy never having again. I'm looking forward to next semester, but I'm very glad I have a few weeks off.

The stresses of friendship has almost been the most prevalent, right under schoolwork. Not knowing how things will turn out has been stressful enough. Feeling inadequate and unappreciated has been a whole other issue. I have decided that one of my New Years Resolutions will be to take care of myself first, and the rest will follow. I cannot handle carrying everyone's baggage on my shoulders and handle my life at the same time. My back is tired.

Wedding plans are starting to bloom again. I have found my photographer! It is one of my mom's friends who does the photos for the hospital. He's very good! I cannot believe it is less than 8 months away.

I'm in need of a writer's place. *sigh*

Maybe a little A Fine Frenzy for tonight?
Cue: Bird of the Summer - A Fine Frenzy

You came with the season, as the first swallow sang
A brown headed stranger, with a five-letter name
we planted our kisses where the wild berries grow my feet sprouted wings and i flew all the way home dooodoodoo

my cheeks red like fire engines racing straight to the heat of your skin
and i know our days are numbered, early bird of the summer you'll fly south just as the fall begins

the leaves changed their colors and the schoolyards were filled
my coat with the patches barely keeps out the chill dooo
you sent me a postcard from a town out of state, i wish it were warmer and i hope you're the same doopdoodoo

the fields where we wandered were golden
now only muddy my boots
and i know i should recover, you're a bird of the summer, i was wrong to try and capture you

Flight
Flight

gone is the pale hand of winter
here is the first flush of may
and soon I will discover whether birds of the summer fly in circles or just fly away