I have this shadow in the back of my head. As I get older, he grows. He sticks his vampire teeth into my self-esteem and sucks out all of my good feelings about myself.
It's so funny, because when I was in high school, my self-esteem centered around my appearance. Sure, I want to look nice and feel good about myself, but the majority of my self-esteem issues no longer gravitate towards the scale.
I worry so much about being intelligent enough to be successful in the career path I have chosen.
I have decided to apply for grad school. I want to get my MFA in Creative Writing. I want to have that time to do nothing but hone my craft, and learn as much as I can. I also want to gain some experience in pedagogy in case this path leads me to teach. I didn't get into English as my major until I was a junior in college, and I spent most of my college career working after classes. I wasn't able to really be involved in my major as much as I wanted to, and I don't feel as if I learned as much as I could have because of it.
It doesn't help that I keep watching these teen soaps on Netflix and at least one character is crazy smart and wants to be a writer, or ends up being an English major. The television shows have these characters quote famous writers and go into long profound speeches about how these books hold the answers to big life changes that they explore throughout the episode. They sound so intelligent, and they read so much, even though most of the time the episodes center around teen sex or basketball, or will it be Pacey or Dawson? I didn't sound like that when I was sixteen. My diary was full of angst and black teardrops falling down the margins.
I feel inadequate, and I hate this feeling.
Die, Vampire.
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