End of the world

Honestly, I gotta put it out there. I'm a Christian and I have faith in Christ, and I have faith that God has a plan for this messed up world. I just don't know what it is.

It's so weird, because last night I had a dream. Well, a nightmare, really. Today is my dad's birthday, and we have had plans to go see The Hobbit in theaters for awhile to celebrate. Last night I had a nightmare that our packed theater was the target of a shooting. I somehow made it out okay, but I lost my family. It was one of the scariest dreams I've ever had. I never would have had a dream like that if it weren't for the Colorado Batman massacre. But as we walked into the theater tonight, my anxiety was up just a little bit.

When I heard about the Connecticut elementary school shooting this afternoon, I was deeply saddened, angered, and disgusted. No matter what psychologists say, no matter how many times they argue "insanity", I don't buy it. Of course, these men (or man, I've heard both) are insane. But there was obvious planning involved. The actual thought of "I'm going to bring a gun into an elementary school and shoot some little kids actually passed through the mind of a person. Someone who had a childhood, who had a chance to have their first school dance, first kiss, first prom, graduate high school. They took those chances, those possibilities away. They played God. Do you know what happens when someone tries to play God? They end up the devil.

I remember in elementary school when we had drills for this kind of thing. But I never in a million years would have dreamed that it could have happened at my school. School is supposed to be safe. Safe for the adults, too. Those adults made a life choice to help, guide, and teach children. They were taken from this Earth trying to protect those children. And now, that safety net is gone. Not only did those evil men take away innocent lives, they took away innocence. I pray to God that the children who were able to make it away from the school will not feel unsafe every day for the rest of their lives. They have had to grow up too quickly. They have seen what our world, our country, has become. Too soon.

I don't understand why this year has been a hot spot for mass shootings. I don't know if people are going off of their rockers because they believe this is the end of the world. But my belief is that we are not supposed to know when that time comes. It happens in a blink of an eye.

But if this is how the world is going to be; maybe it's time for a new one.

I do not know what God's plan is, and why this has happened today. But I do believe that there is good out there in this world. It is time for good to step up, and make itself known again. It is time to bring back faith, hope, love, acceptance, tolerance, and peace back into this world. Especially back into schools, where minds are growing and adapting. It's time that we listen more, and speak less. But when we do speak, we speak up for what is right.

Everything I am saying sounds so cliche. But I can't help it. I can't be clever tonight.

God bless Newtown, Connecticut and those who lost loved ones, and those who have to find ways to move forward. You are not alone.

Making Up For Lost Time

• I tried to start writing a blog about Netflix but I got distracted by Netflix.
• Is that considered Netflix meta-thinking?
• It is Wednesday and I'm only half considering jumping off a cliff because the week is half over.
• I'm jealous of people born in the UK because I wish I had a British accent. I wonder if it is easier for someone with a Scottish or Irish accent to portray an English accent in comparison to an American trying to do so. I'm also guessing there is a standardized British accent that is desirable for television, just as there is a standardized American accent that is desirable for television (as I learned in my Linguistics class, that accent is the Midwestern accent. I guess I have something going for me.)
• I'm pretty much guessing this because British accents sound so polished and intelligent on these BBC shows, but the accent of Lauren Cooper is pretty much all I heard while I lived in Grantham.
• P.S., I changed the language on my iphone to British English. It kept changing "realize" to "realise" and I loved it, but I had to change it when I texted it because that's not how we spell it in 'Murica.
• My bullet points are disorganized, my apologies.
• Work is making me want to slam my head against my desk. It is incredibly stressful this week. I'm ready for Friday, as it is a half day and we get our Christmas bonus. I'm not getting my hopes up though, I've been disappointed before.
• This is the last week hubby and I are eating whatever we want. He finds out tomorrow, hopefully, if he has this muscle disorder. If not, we are going to start going back to the gym and eating well. My goal is to lose 20 pounds and go down a jean size. His goal is to lose 50-60 pounds and bulk back up, I'm guessing. I'm pretty frumpy lately; I'm a stress eater.
• I want to be in good shape when we go to London so I like the pictures we take. I want to take a lot more pictures this time around, I don't think I took enough last time.
• I don't understand why Lancelot died in Merlin when he's supposed to be a Knight of the Round Table. (Is that supposed to be capitalized because it comes from legend? English major fail.)
• Every article I have read lately about "what to do with an English major" has made me want to die. "Become a copy writer!" "Work for businesses!" "Write medical articles!" blah! No! 
• I'm sleepy. Alas, alack, alas, away to sleep I go (said in British accent). And when I say, to sleep, I mean, I need to finish a few more episodes of Merlin and then pass out after eleven o'clock at night and then hate my life tomorrow morning at work.
• um ok, bye then.

Smeh

• I'm really sick of myself, to tell you the truth. How many times do I need to say, "Gosh, it's been a long time since I have written in my blog" before I make this a real day-to-day habit? Ugh, I am ridiculous.
• I'm also sick of myself because all I want to do with my life is write, and I don't even do it that often. I'm angry because I keep telling myself that this is my dream! This is all I have ever wanted to do! blah blah American Idol bullshit! But really, all I do is worry that I suck and I'm just completely full of myself. 
• Honestly, so many people are talented, and so many people wish they were. I don't know where I belong, if this is worth it. I have been reading articles about MFA programs and what it takes to be a writer, and I'm worried that I'm just not cut out for this. I feel cheap because I just want someone to tell me that I am a good writer and I should just keep working and moving forward. But I should know these things about myself, right? I shouldn't need affirmation. Writing is a solitary experiment, something that can only come out of my brain. 
• I just feel like I need a Simon Cowell of writing to tell me whether or not I should quit my day job.
• I can't quit my day job, I have bills to pay. 
• Sometimes, especially this week because Brooke is gone and the whole office has gone to hell, I wish I could quit my day job and just work from home.
• Sometimes, I wish I was intelligent enough to just write pieces for magazines or newspapers, and people would read them and beg for more.
• Sometimes, I'm actually jealous of "Ask Phoebe" from Charmed because she was just handed that job, for crying out loud! I can't find a writing job to save my life! I'm working as a legal secretary and I've probably gained 10 pounds because of the stress!
• I can't even do what I want to do because what I want to do is not offered in central Indiana!
• Why did God give me these dreams and aspirations, and why did He put all these words and ideas into my head if not to set them free?! 
• This whole blogging thing was supposed to be cathartic but now all I am is pissed.
• Wine, wine, wine. 

Unsuccessful

Let me tell you about my life this summer.

• I went to school every day but I could probably only tell you little bits of information that I learned because I was graduating and didn't care at all about my life for those 5 weeks.
• I have gained too much weight because I don't know what is happening in my life.
• I got a new job which I adore but I don't know what will happen down the road because I don't know what is happening with my life.
• D.J. has all these crazy random sicknesses that ends up putting him in the hospital and having to go to IU doctors in Indianapolis, and all I can think about is what is this going to mean in our lives and I really don't know what is happening with my life.
• We are in the process of moving out on our own and I have all these goals of keeping our place clean and working out and cooking healthy meals but who knows what will happen, we will probably order pizza and I will watch television until midnight and wonder if this is what adulthood is like because I don't know what's happening with my life.
• My cat likes to jump up on the desk and sit right in front of my computer screen, possibly an attention seeking tactic that he learned watching D.J. play call of duty.
• All I want to do is write but I realize that I kind of suck at it and that is what I'm basing my future on and this really makes me feel like I don't know what's happening with my life.
• I waited most of my life to get to this point, I've graduated college and am now an adult with a real job, I've been married for almost a year, and I'm still waiting for my life to start.
• Kim Kardashian is dating Kanye West and he's gonna let her finish but really, all the awards should go to Kris Jenner.
• I feel like a blimp all the time. What has happened to me.
• Sometimes people forget about me, and sometimes that's okay because they should, so I can watch Netflix and go to bed early.
• Sometimes it's not okay because it happens all the time and honestly, I'm wondering if I should just invest in an invisibility cloak. James?
• I'm trying to get through "American Gods" by Neil Gaiman and I'm really struggling.
• I bought three books on Amazon and I chose them due to the fact that they are either classics or literary fiction and my snobbery has gotten out of control.
• I miss having a real relationship with one of my family members, who has disappeared.
• I'm truly scared of parallel parking.
• I wonder if I just signed myself up for a life of mediocrity. 

Strange?

Today, I wondered if I was strange.
Strange in a peculiar way.
Mostly because I am starting to notice the argument between "you eat everything on your plate" or "stop eating when you're full" coming into my life a lot more often.
Apparently, I eat like a bird, even though I don't look like it.
Mostly it's because I'm never hungry, not really.
Sometimes I just eat because I'm bored and watching tv. Which is bad for you.
I was raised to stop eating when I became full. My husband was raised to eat everything on his plate.
I get the whole "there-are-starving-children-in-Africa-be-grateful-for-the-food-that-is-provided-for-you" bit. But I'm not about to damage my body because I feel guilty that there are starving children in Africa.
That's why I donate to organizations who support those causes.
But I just don't really see how me not eating everything on my plate is going to help those hungry kids. I can't mail the excess food to them. The food prepared for me was prepared for me. I paid for it.
Shouldn't I have the right to put what I want in my body?
True, I leave a lot of food on my plate.
I don't know.
Am I strange?

In other news, I got a job. I start next week. I'M ALL GROWN UP.

Not really. I still feel like I'm 12 most days.
I need inspiration for topics to write about. My life is not that interesting. I'm running out of ideas. All my creativity goes to writing poetry or whatever.

or whatever.

Circled Around

A lot has been going on, surprisingly. For a long time, my life was a static mess and I didn't appreciate it. But things are starting to look brighter. To do a quick catch up, maybe I should do a list. And in fact, writing out a list is a form that I have been using for my Creative Writing class. Points for me.

1. I ended last semester with pretty good grades. All A's, one B, and a C in my Geography class. I took that happily, since he was a terrible professor and I was pretty sure I was going to end up with a "YOU SUCK, F FOR YOU" on my transcript. C is good. I can accept that.
2. I'm almost done with college. I have three days left. I took a Creative Writing course and a walking class, both incredibly easy and laid back. I've done a lot of reading and writing in strange forms and a lot of walking. Both have mostly positive effects on my life, so I can't complain.
3. I've had two (TWO) job interviews. I'm fairly certain I got the job at one place, so I'm pretty happy about that. It's at a law firm, which isn't publishing but hey, it's a job, and it will give D.J. and I the chance to find a place of our own.
4. D.J. has decided to go to school for accounting, so we are in the process of getting him signed up for classes.

For such a long time, my life looked like it was tied to a cinder block and falling to the bottom of the bottomless ocean. I didn't feel like it was going anywhere. While I'm still not certain where I'm headed in life, at least it's inching forward. It feels good to have somewhat of a plan. Or an idea about a plan.

I've been writing a lot more, which is nice. And reading a lot more, which is also nice.

GOD HAS A PLAN EVEN WHEN I DON'T.

WHAT'S UP.

When do you deserve to cry?

Let me tell you something about myself.

I don't cry that often. I don't cry that often on purpose. When I do cry, I feel petty and dramatic, embarrassed, maybe even ashamed. I hate crying, and I do everything I can to not cry.

I don't know if it is because I wasted a huge chunk of my life crying over every little thing, or if it is because I'm so afraid to show genuine emotion because most of the time, when I do, I see it in people's faces or hear it in their voices that I'm "overreacting".

Of course, I could be transferring my fears onto their faces and into their voices.

And I don't know why, but because of my usual lack of tears, whenever I do cry, I get really really annoyed when someone says, "Stop crying, it's going to be fine."

Of course, you jerk, I know it's going to be fine.

I know this isn't the end of the world.

I know I will get over this and move on, and I probably won't even remember this tomorrow.

But for the love of all things happy and shiny, LET ME CRY.

Am I not allowed to show any type of emotion?

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't. I should be strong and sure of myself.

But for the past few weeks, maybe months, I haven't felt strong or sure of myself.

I'm scared to death of life and not knowing what is going to happen to me.

I'm a stupid English major for crying out loud.

I keep kicking myself for quitting my education major, even though I didn't quite fit.

I love my classes. I love it that I feel like I'm actually good at them. (Minus Geography, but come on. That's not my area.)

But I'm scared to death that I just signed my own poverty/life of constant sorrow death warrant.

The voices in my head constantly say things like:

"You want to be a writer? Well, you're gonna have to live in your car and eat the crusty stuff in between the seats before you get to do that."

"You want to be a writer? Well, you're gonna have to sell your first born child to the IRS and live under the bridge along with Satchmo and Curly before you get to do that."

"You want to be a writer? Well, you're gonna have to gnaw your foot off and sell it on Ebay for a billion dollars before you get to do that."

I didn't say these voices were normal.

So, of course I'm super sensitive about feeling worthless and/or useless. I feel like I'm not doing anything, like I'm a terrible wife and a lazy person who just takes the easy way out. I feel terrible about myself most of the time. And I usually don't let it get to me.

But it did today.

And I cried.

And I felt like I didn't deserve to cry. That I shouldn't be crying.

D.J. told me I needed to "go with the flow". I said "that's all I have been doing for the past 9 months since I lost my job." Then he said, "It's gonna be alright, you'll be fine."

And that's when I stopped crying.

Because I don't deserve to cry.